Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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Situation Normal, Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Yes, I've gone back and locked a bunch of posts. I state this publicly so that you may know that I'm neither trying to hide that fact, nor are you imagining posts that weren't there. They were, and, in some sense, they still are... they aren't deleted, just locked. The reasons for this involves more information than I can (or should) express here now.

Without going into the details, allow me to use an example I find myself using a lot of late. If you've never had the good fortune to watch the movie "Momento", it won't make too much sense, but perhaps I can still use it's structure to explain how I feel about now.

The idea of the movie is ingenious, and could have just been gimmicky except it's executed so brilliantly. The movie is literally constructed backwards, starting with the last scene, and progressing to the first... which is actually the end of the movie. The odd result of this is we base all of our assumptions based on the current scene, only to discover that we were absolutely wrong about what we THOUGHT was going on subsequently. The reason they did this is that the main character suffers from a bizarre form of short memory loss (this was BEFORE Dorrie of "Finding Nemo", but it's the same sort of character... only much darker). In a way, we experience his disorder with him as the movie progresses, as we only know what WILL happen, not what has. Then the full enormity of that "final" scene, which is really the beginning of a series of events, hits us far harder then if the movie was in the "correct" order.

In my life I've had a major upheaval or two that has had that sort of impact on everything I thought I knew. Like when I was positively diagnosed as moderate to severe ADHD -- literally everything I had experienced since I could remember was now under a completely different light. Today I began to get bits and pieces of things I should have realized, but was misdirected from so expertly I had no idea it was happening.

I have made some serious errors. I'm not taking all of the blame here, that's not what this is about: Everyone is 100% responsible for what they're responsible for. However, in that light, I need to publicly apoligize about some posts I THOUGHT were private and weren't (to my horror), thanks to an interesting glitch in my LJ software, and for others that were reacting to things I had forgotten the basis for, mostly because I didn't understand the context of the statements in question. I apologize even knowing how little that will make up for the errors I made, and the reasons I made them.

But that's where it has to start.

Where it will end, well... that's up to the other players. My only hope at this point is to come completely clean about the mistakes I've made, and hope that some people can forgive me. If not, there is literally no one else to blame but myself.

Any more will have to wait.

I'm disabling comments on this (the first time ever... how about that!) because I know people will have their opinions on this. I can only say that I appreciate your concerns, but that there is nothing more to say on this topic at least until certain events occurr.

Goddess, I can only pray that this is worth it.
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