In any case, it's become clear that some of my posts are hitting buttons that I did not intend to hit. I still need to say some things, but to spare people from the backlash of me releasing a lot of anger, I've placed the prior posts behind LJ cuts. I'm not otherwise changing the content -- my progress is not a first draft, but an evolution, and I would be cheating by making it look like I had my shit together all along.
Thank you to everyone who contacted me... you have no idea how much I value you for not being afraid to talk to me about it.
If people think the previous post was about them, there were a few options:
- Ignore it completely.
- Actually respond to me and tell me why I'm wrong.
- Respond, and tell me that this was all a massive miscommunication.
- Not repond, and perform passive aggressive acts that only confirm why I was angry in the first place.
If what she really wanted was to never see me again, then I assumed she would tell me so. Actually, that's not an assumption -- early on in our relationship when I was insecure and fearful that my issues would be too much for her to deal with, she told me, repeatedly, that she would always be clear with me. Blaming your distance on childhood abuse issues (and then blogging about your own sex life??), avoiding any attempt to figure out what was going on, and then getting angry when I DIDN'T fall to pieces. And through the whole year this was going on I never said a word about it, online or off. Roni didn't even realize there was a problem until last Labor day, when she started to suspect a problem when I didn't suggest inviting you and your... well, significant other (though oddly enough, I still REALLY wanted you there).
So let me say this directly to you, if you bother to read this: I don't know how you managed to decide that I wasn't as serious about you as you would like. I didn't get that you were speaking in code, as you told me you wouldn't do that. As it is, all I have are second accounts from people who still think I'm an idiot for loving you, which I still do... which means they are likely correct about my idiocy.
If "let's be friends" is that horrible code for "let's be all awkward and pretend each other doesn't exist", I feel sorry for you. I honestly thought you wanted to remain close. I thought you loved me. If I was mistaken about that, then have your own courage to tell me. After the talks we've had about how shitty it is to break up via chat or e-mail, to have you resort to to that... and then to not have the courage to come out and say the words... only makes me question my own judgment of character. I hope I'm wrong, and I get that e-mail telling me why you needed to pull away. Failing that, I'll just assume that you don't care, and likely never really did. Either that, or you decided to place motives on my actions without asking me if they were accurate, nor could you ask for what you wanted or needed.
That'll hurt... but not as much as your betrayal of my trust in you when I was the most vulnerable. And, stupid as I am, I would even forgive you that. Christ, I'm such a cowardly asshole, aren't I? The saddest part of all is how much you helped me thorugh so much, and now that the last year of digging through my own soul like some Tasmanian archeologist has given me a lot more insight, stuff that I really wanted to talk to you about. Even now I'm such a "former" or "ex" that I would take you in if you showed up on my doorstep with less than nothing... or just because.
The thing I'm most confused about is how you running away makes me the wrong one. Unfriending me and then making it sound like your the reasonable party just reinforces a wall of your own making.
Hell, there are two of you: If you think I'm wrong, telling me to "fuck off" in any of the myriad ways y'all have really shows me, huh? That being on this side of a suicide gives me no right to point out how selfish, cowardly and cruel the act is. What pulled me back from that ledge wasn't some saint like inner strength, but the knowledge of how it would make others feel. The misery I would leave behind. The message it would send.
Recently another poster journaled about addiction, and how he lived with that temptation every day. Did you think I was calling them cowards because I hadn't been there?
Either of you could have commented directly. I wasn't going to delete those responses. Hell, you both still could. Tell me what a dick I am for knowing how it would make people feel if I took myself right now. Sure, I can imagine there are people out there who would cheer my demise as they would a championship win, but in all honesty even the people who hated me would likely be at most indifferent.
What's one of the biggest suicide cliches: "They'll be sorry when I'm gone". How could you know that and still do it?
I've had to hold people who lost someone to suicide. I've had people attempt it, and at least once that I know of, succeed. I once had my mother attempt it when I was about 10.
My reactons to this are my own -- they are not a reaction to some writing I've never read, or anyone else's reaction. Hell, if you re-read my original post, I didn't even say that suicide is NEVER the right choice.
Talk to me about whay my real issues are, and stop trying to shoehorn me in with some straw man who doesn't give a shit. Anyone who actually knows me can attest to one truth... I care too fucking much. Otherwise, I wouldn't even be writing this post.
Balls are in your court now -- tell me the truth as you see it.