Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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All In All Just Another Brick

I just deleted my FaceBook account.

I just about had it with the drama as it stood, when the situation I have studiously avoided mentioning blew up in my face -- again. This time, due to one party "unfriending" people they felt exposed to. Of course, this was taken as a passive aggressive play, so the hilarity ensued.

Not.

Because this isn't funny. I've been trying to be patient and take a time-out from discussing it publicly or privately, because I felt that everyone needed time and some distance to gather some perspective around themselves.  Instead it seems like a lot of people are sniping at each other without my knowledge, leaving me somewhat broken hearted.

I can only blame myself -- I screwed up badly, and now I'm stuck. Normally I would have gotten help from my support system, except my current support system is less functional than I am. It's times like these that lead me to understand the dramatic and grandiose gestures that people resort to when they feel stuck, in a rut or otherwise. When I was 25 and it was clear my life was completely broken I thought that moving to California was my only choice at the time. A complete re-set of my life, my environment.

Of course it wasn't my only choice. As it turned out, it was a GOOD choice, and perhaps the best I could have made for my long term happiness and success, but it came at a great cost.

23 years later and I am in as tight a mental space as I was then, but the "hit reset" option is not really... well, an option. While it would remove a lot of the immediate aggravation, the long term effect would be to leave me with massive regrets and loneliness. A whole new set of problems. In other words, it wouldn't solve anything.

I don't know how to fix things as they are. I don't know how I can get people talking to one another. And most of all, I don't know how to get people to tear down the walls they've constructed, the delf-denial and outright delusional rationales for their behaviors. For one, the current thinking is that since people have decided amongst themselves what the situation is, any attempt on my part to counter that perception makes ME the delusional one. Reality as constructed based on committee.

Which leads to my current conundrum; for most of my life I believed that I had to tear down my walls, and I could make anything happen. I never thought to wonder what would happen if I was trapped in almost all directions by everyone else's walls.

Thus, in lieu of running off to some tent in the woods somewhere past the point where the cell phone and wifi signals end, I've started to shake up my internet presence. That starts with not being a FB drone any longer. Where it goes from here is dependent on whether people are more interested in defending their space then understanding mine.
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