Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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A Closure, Of A Sort...

You know, even knowing that it's my fault... and that some things were just not meant to be, have run there course, or insert whatever stock phrase makes sense here... It's still hard when people realize that they're not really friends anymore, even though they love each other and care about each other's happiness.

I essentially came to that realization tonight, when trying to make yet another effort to re-connect with someone I once was incredibly close to, both physically and otherwise. A lot of mostly good memories, some so-so, and a couple of bad.

We essentially wished each other well... and as full as my life is of people who care about me, I still feel a bit blue about losing this person.

It seems like I should say more somehow... yet anything I could say about it would feel more like a eulogy, and I don't want to think that it's completely dead... perhaps just mostly dead, and a miracle is now needed. One that will probably take years to happen, if ever.

Love doesn't solve anything, she pointed out. It means a lot... it just doesn't fix a thing.

UPDATED: Yes, I know that I didn't really "lose" anything... this isn't me quitting a job after they fired me, for example. It's understanding that I was trying to make something happen that couldn't happen.

A lot of the stuff I've been going through lately is really dredging up a lot of the bad aspects of who I am. I know so many of you tolerate some of the worst of it now... but that's a faint shadow of the real creep that I could be at times.

In many ways, I'm haunted by that person, the one who couldn't (or wouldn't... for whatever reason) understand what he was doing wrong, or over-reacting, or...

Damn it, it's never as simple as getting better at something. Sometimes people just see who I was, even when I'm no longer that person. Other times I can't seem to explain what it is about myself that can be misinterpreted.

Like my whole sex thing. A recent conversation really forced me to consider the fact that I probably use sex as a form of proof that someone really cares about me, and trusts me... therefore I can trust them. When I was younger I could dismiss my desire for sex as a logical result of lack of willing partners and over-driven hormones. Now that I'm 40, and can get laid as many times as I possibly could ever want to, why is there still that drive?

Not that I don't want sex LESS... I just want to be able to slow down with some people that I know I can get really close to, and intimate with, but (at the same time) I know that they're not ready to as yet... in this case, it was someone who viewed sex as a threat, and for damn good reason.

I have a feeling I'm really going to have to explore this more over the next few weeks...
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