I essentially came to that realization tonight, when trying to make yet another effort to re-connect with someone I once was incredibly close to, both physically and otherwise. A lot of mostly good memories, some so-so, and a couple of bad.
We essentially wished each other well... and as full as my life is of people who care about me, I still feel a bit blue about losing this person.
It seems like I should say more somehow... yet anything I could say about it would feel more like a eulogy, and I don't want to think that it's completely dead... perhaps just mostly dead, and a miracle is now needed. One that will probably take years to happen, if ever.
Love doesn't solve anything, she pointed out. It means a lot... it just doesn't fix a thing.
UPDATED: Yes, I know that I didn't really "lose" anything... this isn't me quitting a job after they fired me, for example. It's understanding that I was trying to make something happen that couldn't happen.
A lot of the stuff I've been going through lately is really dredging up a lot of the bad aspects of who I am. I know so many of you tolerate some of the worst of it now... but that's a faint shadow of the real creep that I could be at times.
In many ways, I'm haunted by that person, the one who couldn't (or wouldn't... for whatever reason) understand what he was doing wrong, or over-reacting, or...
Damn it, it's never as simple as getting better at something. Sometimes people just see who I was, even when I'm no longer that person. Other times I can't seem to explain what it is about myself that can be misinterpreted.
Like my whole sex thing. A recent conversation really forced me to consider the fact that I probably use sex as a form of proof that someone really cares about me, and trusts me... therefore I can trust them. When I was younger I could dismiss my desire for sex as a logical result of lack of willing partners and over-driven hormones. Now that I'm 40, and can get laid as many times as I possibly could ever want to, why is there still that drive?
Not that I don't want sex LESS... I just want to be able to slow down with some people that I know I can get really close to, and intimate with, but (at the same time) I know that they're not ready to as yet... in this case, it was someone who viewed sex as a threat, and for damn good reason.
I have a feeling I'm really going to have to explore this more over the next few weeks...