In my groggy, half asleep state she's asking me about my LJ entry of last night... she wants to know who broke up with me. I mutter that it wasn't me, it was steelmagnoliaca and Roni who had broken up, completely forgetting that entry was marked "friends only". When she acted confused, and mentioned that she thought it WAS about me, I remembered the earlier post that was public.
Great... went to sleep all sad and depressed, now I remembered why.
Actually, Michele's energetic attitude was a bit infectious. That, and knowing src was coming up for a movie night, helped lighten my mood. At the same time I'm dreading that phone call from Roni when she finally reads that e-mail.
We spoke of many things, including my post of last Friday. She correctly noted that it should be more a matter of letting myself forgive... but not forget. Of course, she's right, but even as I write up a post the writer in me went for the line with a flair for the dramatic.
I pop online an run into... well , I'll just say "someone else" for now. At first, our conversation led me to believe that SHE was about to break up with me, but then she seemed to make it clear that wasn't necessarily the case. Though when I hear/read things like "I don't think we're doing well. I think it's primarily my issues, and I have to sort out what I want before I will do or say anything more about it", combined with my recent (as in the last 24 hours!) record, and I think I can be forgiven for assuming the worst.
The thing that frightens me is that was a relationship I was working really hard on, despite the fact that her schedule is nuts (school, work, home chores that you wouldn't believe). I made sure to make an effort to remain available, phone, email, or chat... and in person, if she'd let me. I'm terrified that I'm going to find out I forgot something key to keeping things healthy, and (even worse) I won't understand what it was.
Looking back, this has been a hell of a year for extreme changes in my personal relationships. People who had broken up with me in years past re-connecting in a big way ( dragonwitchling, the continuing saga of lavendersage and lovingstones, src), new people that seem to sneak into my life (penguin_goddess, queentushy, and now papershroud, damn it all!), relationships that seem to be coming along better than ever (kshandra, Roni), and the various people who, for reasons both understandable or not who've decided to put an end to things. bunjee, of course, is developing a relationship monogamously, which puts a crimp in our sex like, to be sure, but I can understand that. wickedladybear pretty much decided to blow me off after a misunderstanding with one of her lovers that wasn't all that horrible to resolve, but apparently made me no longer worthy of even friendship. steelmagnoliaca breaking up with me, and now Roni... almost like breaking up twice though the first time was easier because it was me. Last night someone I've known for nearly ten years doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore, for reasons that I completely understand and own. Now I have someone else who might be breaking something off in the near future.
Of course, this is only a partial list: I'm sure there are other events that just aren't coming to mind at the moment. Yet even just writing it out in a single paragraph leaves me wondering how I manage to remain sane at all. In terms of breakups this is the worst year I've had in awhile -- yet the new relationships seem to be a lot better than ones I've started in the past, perhaps because I continue to raise the bar for entry into my life. Not my heart... I'm afraid that will always be on my sleeve. I don't think I could ever truly close myself to feeling: The best I can do is try to talk things out a bit more before throwing caution to the wind.
Which is an inherent contradiction, I know.
Right now I'm seriously considering going out for a soak in the tub. I've got this chill I just can't shake, and for some reason the house is being slow to warm up. I should toss another log or two on the fire and see if that helps.
By the way, words can not express how grateful I am to everyone who has supported me over the last week, the last year even. Y'all make this worth it, as crazy as it all makes me. Isn't that weird?