Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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The Expurgated Public Version

The temptation is to let it ALL hang out. It's times like this I wish I could just take the chunks that are TMI in the sense that it involves people that who might not want me blathering on about them. You know, like LJ cut tags, only with a security level. I'm sure that sort of thing would make the LJ gurus insane to implement... but I can dream, can't I?

The trouble is a lot of this stuff is really a part of a larger structure... so I have to either a) torture the public at large with vaguely arcane allusions and go into details on a closed post or b) hide everything.

Being a screaming exhibitionist (sometimes literally) I naturally chose option a.

dragonwitchling's visit was wonderful this weekend... though I did I have a minor meltdown saturday night that made NO sense whatsoever. It was a stupid debate involving the issue of whether humanity should choose to evolve itself through means genetic or cybernetic, whereas she was of the opinion that it should NOT be a choice, and I thought that it was (damn it, Ray Kurzweil is RIGHT, the human race shouldn't have to settle for accidental engineering!), and I... well, got a little overwrought. As in fist pounding on the table angry.

I *said* it was stupid.

The only good thing is that, compared to my outbursts of years past, it was relatively minor. Chris, bless her, is one of the only people to see me get like that, and that was FAR worse than this. I went to my corner, calmed down, and crawled back apologetically.

I've said it before: She makes me totally nuts sometimes, but she's there when it hits the fan, and loves me even though I can be such an idiot at times.

She got her vengeance, though... my pierced nipple is STILL sore.

So, she got off fine Sunday, and I finally managed to get my butt to Hayweird (after several hours of contending with... ah, shall we say, gastric distress?) where I was hoping to provide some degree of support for lovingstones, who has to have a delicate out-patient surgery.

Which I managed to muff right proper. The exact circumstances are a bit sensitive, but suffice it to say I managed to piss off lavendersage. I didn't even realize how much so until this morning, when she was STILL angry with me. I wound up completely confused, because she wanted me to go,lovingstones wanted me to stay, and everything got completely cluster fucked into oblivion. Regardless of who was or wasn't at fault, the situation demanded distance, and lavendersage enforced that.

Fortunately I had kshandra's visit tonight to look forward to. After beating a computer gremlin into submission this afternoon, she popped online, and despite being wet and tired, still wanted to see me. I went and picked her up (though with the rain here before I felt like I was white water rafting down Highway 9) and we had a wonderful evening. So much so that after I brought her home I decided to give Audra a call to try and patch things up.

45 minutes later I at least felt like we had a plan. I think a large part of my difficulties in this and other relationships is that I tend to vastly overestimate my abilities -- I mean, people ask for a specific thing that seems, in the moment it's asked, to be perfectly reasonable, not realizing that there are times when I actually CAN'T guarantee that I can come through. As a basically honest person who believes in honoring commitments, that usually produces a self-recriminating and ashamed Yohannon who feels pretty much like cat-shit on a boot heel.

As a slightly more self-aware Yo, I have had to integrate the fact that there are things I *can't* promise, even if I can sometimes pull it off. Hopefully things will work out so that I can work around my limitations. As I've mentioned here before, it's that same problem where I can seem so sharp and brilliant one moment, yet completely dense and clueless the next -- While I can (and have already, to some extent) communicate my limits more clearly, there are still going to be times when I stick my foot in it. I just have to deal with those as they come up, hopefully with the help of people who love me.

Before I wrap this up, an honorable mention of penguin_goddess is in order: She was caught in the cross fire of a lot of this, and provided much needed moral support today. She also let me know that, thanks to a scheduling foul-up at the hospital, that lovingstones couldn't even get the work down today... it's been rescheduled for wednesday. Audra thinks that it was all for a higher purpose, and that we'll all be stronger for it as a group. Myself, I wonder why it has to be so damn hard.

At least it all ends on a happier note. Tomorrow I have some last bits of cleaning to do about the house (including re-washing one of the green fuzzy blankets thanks to at least TWO of the cats shitting on it not two hours after I put it back on Michele's bed... I think that's a statement of discontent that she's been away for so long).

Oh! One interesting note: Scout, the little black cat, has been positively FERAL all week. Chris and I spotted her only rarely during the weekend, and then it was mostly by accident (she would freeze for a moment, then bolt for Rob's room, where I think she's spent all of her time when she's not eating, drinking, or using The Box). Tonight, when kshandra and I went to use the tub, She seemed to do the same thing... except while in the kitchen filling up some large water glasses, I turn around to find Scout actually head butting K's hands, and TALKING to her with a series of plaintive meows. I was surprised as it was when Bijou wandered downstairs and snuggled on K's hip while she grabbed a post-dinner nap... this simply blew my mind completely.

What makes me crabbier about it is that *I* am the one who gave Scout some turkey yesterday, and she STILL won't let me pet her. Hurmph.
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