Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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Complete Memory Dump In Progress... Hold Your Noses, Y'all

Well, I'm sitting in the parking lot of the Whole Foods market, waiting on ambar (who, as of a few minutes ago, was still fighting her way across the Carquinez bridge), and realized I could be taking a minute to try and corral my experiences and thoughts, cats that they are, of recent days.

First, Saturday was both horrible and wonderful. It was good that Roni, lovingstones, lavendersage and penguin_goddess all seemed tog et along so well, and the food was incredible (thanks to Eileen's wicked skills in the kitchen). However, I could have done without the intervention (Audra's word for it, actually) targeted toward yours truly. For one thing, I've already BEEN grappling with a lot of the issues they all raised, and working towards resolving all of it. For whatever reason, the wonder triplets were not happy with slower progress.

If I had written this immediately afterwards, my general impression would be that everything was completely fucked, and it was completely and utterly my fault. Two days (and a lot of conversation online and on the phone) later, and I'm starting to realize that people really DO love me, faults and all, and are willing to work things out, no matter what.

It's really difficult for me to deal with failure, at least as I define it: Failing a commitment, regardless of what it is, is painful for me. Trying to lie about it, as horrible a liar as I am, only makes it worse, but I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where the truth will leave me alone and just as humiliated.

If Michele (now with her own LJ at bunnybutt) has ultimately rejected me because of my weaknesses, I can't blame her -- but it does leave me wondering how I can possibly "change my spots" (to use her metaphor) and become a better person. Before I completely give in to despair , I recall my step-father, who, despite all odds and my strong personal doubt, overcame his addiction to drinking and has remained sober for over 20 years.

If someone responsible for so much of my fear and pain can succeed, then how can I turn my back on myself?

Certainly, even with the huge mess I have to clean up (plural, actually), I keep hearing the same message over and over. Roni, kshandra, dragonwitchling, the wonder triplets (even Kim, who has cause to be VERY angry with me right now)... they've all said that I'm worth having in their lives even as I screw up on a grand scale. Even now, after everything that's happened, they're willing to help me any way they can to do the work.

My initial reaction to all of this was colored by the incident that happened when I, Roni, grr_rob and bunnybutt went through almost the same situation in therapy. I resolved then to work on a lot of this as well -- only somehow it all fell apart shortly thereafter. I suspect that made me very angry... hell, I *know* it did. I went through a lot of pain and soul searching, only to feel like it was no longer important enough to work out for all the players. If I'm to accept that I still have a sense of faith in my life, I have to allow this to be different, to believe it when everyone says they're going to stick with me, and we'll all get through it.

(And this would be where ambar tapped on my door window)
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