Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Still Alive, Still Pondering

I have no idea what I'm going to do next... I still haven't gotten a job, the divorce is roaring down upon me whether I'm ready for it or not, I have no idea whether I'll be able to keep the house... hell, based on what I already know, I probably HAVE to sell it. Which adds a whole new layer of complexity to everything.

Roni said something to me the other night that struck home a bit on the hard side... she essentially told me that I was viewing the house as a way of holding on to my marriage, regardless of whether or not it was a good idea. I reacted fairly strongly to that... and realized that she was probably right as a direct result of that.

It's been a weird fucking weekend all around for that.

There was one point when Roni was bitching because steelmagnoliaca sent me an IM to wish me a happy b-day (which I pointedly ignored... I thought in bad taste, personally), as she felt she should have gotten at least a token acknowledgment for her natal day from her... and next thing I knew I was actually DEFENDING her. Valerie, that is. Which is beyond stupid... it's pathological.

I'm a bundle of messed up nerves and confusion nowadays. At least one thing... a job, I think... would help a great deal. Everything else is riddled with "ifs", holes that weaken my resolve and muddle my future. Some focus would be nice.

I doubt I'll be getting it unless I demand it.
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