After last Thursday's melt-down over my inability to admit that I wasn't up to support penguin_goddess after her father's expected (though no less shocking) passing, I was given a second chance on Sunday. Much to my own amazement, I actually was able to find some reserves after all -- and in some small way made up a bit of that previous shortfall. Just a bit...
Monday, though, I began to feel a bit funky. My previous post told of my surprise at finding out that Michele had found a place, though Michele told me today that she had filled me in on it last Wednesday. I note this so that those of you who thought that she was somehow minimizing me will realize that was NOT the case. However, at the time I was utterly convinced that I didn't know a thing.
When she didn't arrive in Hayweird as expected after Monday classes, I became concerned. I called the house once or twice, but no one picked the phone up until early evening. Michele had fallen sick, and my concern seemed to be more of an annoyance than anything else.... which when one is sick and trying to sleep it off, is understandable.
That was the point I realized I hadn't really eaten as yet (the plan was to grab a bite on the way home after I had a chance to talk to Michele after she got back... which didn't happen, obviously), and that I was completely tapped emotionally and energy wise. Whilst the wonder triplets weren't in an especially happy place themselves, they helped me to feel a lot better.
Which brings us to today. After another phone interview (this time with Apple for a position that may or may not exist in a few weeks) in which I did fairly well (technical questions. I'm pretty sure I did alright...) I decided to ask Audra to see what the cards revealed.
As I've said here before, I view any form of "divination" to be a tool unto itself... spiritual rorshach tests that can sometimes help unblock one's thinking, even if the things "revealed" during a reading aren't 100% correct. Today's reading was disturbing, and seemed to play upon my darkest fears -- no benefactors on the horizon, a long time before you get a job or money, essentially going all the way back to the beginning and starting over... things that almost make me want to get a length of hose, some duct tape and a full tank of gas. Except that sort of thing is no solution, and even if it wasn't completely unfair to everyone who is pulling for me, I actually can't help thinking about the MESS that would leave behind. What can I say, I'll always be a neat freak, and since I would want to clean everything up anyway, I might as well stick this out.
When given a choice between what scares me and... shall we say, the alternative... I'll take what scares me.
I was hoping to spend some time with kshandra (which almost always makes me feel better), only she was SO not up for a visit from anyone, especially me. I'm afraid that I'm a bit much to handle more than once every two weeks. Fortunately, she managed to get a hold of me before I got to her place, so I just pitched a U turn back onto 85 and headed up to the house in Boulder Creek.
When I got home, I decided I was going to sit down and give MYSELF a reading. Better yet, I was going to drag out my old workbook for the Motherpeace deck and do it by the numbers, as if I had never thrown a reading out before. Positioning, technique... going back to the beginning, Vincinni.
I had just thrown down the first three cards (The Daughter of Wands, the Crone reversed and the 7 of Swords reversed) when the phone rang... it was Mike from Apex.
He wanted to let me know that the NASA thing was STILL pending. Remember, this is the job that they wanted to make sure I could start tomorrow if a decision was made today... and that "today" was in January. Apparently I'm not only in the running, even after about a dozen OTHER candidates have been up there over the last 6 weeks, but I'm the only one who's even close to actually getting this job.
It seems to be a question of my technical skill. Apex, bless them, is actually offering to pay my salary for three days to prove I'm capable of doing the job -- which works fine for me. I tend to suck when questioned about my skills, partly because I seem to have issues remembering specifics when not in front of computer hardware. Add to that a lot of my problem solving ability is intuitive in nature, and you have someone who seems vague and shaky on paper, yet can perform miracles in the real world.
After thoroughly thanking him and hanging up the phone, I continued with the reading:
- Daughter of Wands: Significator. This represents movement, energy, and intense activity. Since we're talking about my life of late, this is a perfect card to start the reading with.
- Crone (rev): This is tricky, as this is the Atmosphere card, and a reversed Crone indicates one cut off from one's intuition. Yet the very act of using the cards in the first place is an attempt to reconnect with that intuition. Yet the reversed crone can also indicate a risk of THINKING you have half a clue... often you should take a "wait and see" attitude about any major life decisions. Which is not really a viable option for me at the moment... I have too much happening all at once.
- 7 Swords (rev):Crosscurrent or Obstacle. Well, the good news is that this reinforces the Crone, indicating a need to stop "over-planning". Of course, my first response to this is "OVER planning?! I feel like I haven't planned ANYTHING!", though upon reflection I have to confess being a bit of a control freak in mellow clothing.
- 9 Swords: The root, or unconscious mind. In a word, ICK. This deals with mental drama, negativity, nightmares... you know, stuff that keeps you up at night. I wouldn't know ANYONE who was fretting that the world was about to end, would I?
- 10 Swords: Enough with the swords, already! Ironically, after I thought this, it WAS the last sword suited card. Considering how negative the whole set of sword cards are, for the most part, I'm not surprised they seem to be prevalent in my present (center) and recent past (the position this card is in). Straight from the book, it "shows the end of the road, an idea that's come as far as it can; there can be nothing left but disillusionment and loss." Right.
- Moon (right): The Air card, or conscious mind. Another card that talks about intuition and finding one's path through feeling, not thinking. Motherpeace is a round deck, and so the majors actually have two additional meanings aside from the usual "upright" and "reverse", in this case "left" and "right" leaning. Here, the right leaning Moon indicates a "futile attempt to 'get it' with your rational mind" (there's that freaking control freak again!).
- 5 Cups (rev): Well, this bodes well for the future... moving away from disappointment in love. I hope that's a good thing.
- Son of Cups (rev):Big surprise (not!) for my Self Concept. This means I'm having trouble figuring out what my desires really are, and (once again) presses on the "you have to wait and see" button. It's at least the 4th card in this reading that demands that I a) chill out and b) meditate. I used to be able to do the latter, and I personally think I've been doing too much of the former.
- 8 Cups:Hopes and Fears. Goodie... I feel swamped by all the deep emotions and feelings that I'm having trouble getting in touch with in the first place. Another indication to "let go", though (as always) there's a shortage of specifics as to how to accomplish that.
- Priestess of Wands:Environment. This could be literally a space, or a person/group... like the Daughter (she started this whole reading) It deals with action, only here it deals more with healing, direct, passionate and warm.
- Son of Discs (rev):Outcome (part 1). Oh great... fear of failure, lack of confidence in my own skills, with an admonition to "trust myself". This is an outcome?
- Magician (rev): Motherpeace readings can extend by two cards to see if there's a "solid" outcome in the form of a Major Arcana, and in this case I got it. The Magician is the first card of the Majors, and often comes up at the beginning of a new cycle, so it shouldn't be surprising that it's the outcome of this mess. New beginnings seem to be the theme, even if I can't see them at the moment. Reversed as it is it indicates that I have the power to et what I want, but need encouragement to express that.
Sort of like "LA Story". Follow my heart and the mind will follow. Yeah, this is helpful. I think it's something I glimpsed in the earlier reading, the choice to write a reality that works for me... the trick is deciding what that is, and whether or not I abdicate control over my own destiny.