Toria popped into the realms of chatting, and I mentioned I really need to see her...and lo, the gods did decree to cut Yo some slack, and thusly she did reveal that a meeting she had set for Tuesday was non longer, so how would I like to meet for a long lunch?
After praising the heavens, I said "hell yes", and made plans to meet at Stacks in Campbell.
This brings us to the strange dreams entry I posted below, which I entered, and then staggered into a shower and then to the car, somehow managing to get dressed on the way.
I actually got to Campbell in plenty of time, but (despite having pulled up the address on an online map) I couldn't find the damn restaurant.
I finally did locate it, and saw (once again) how computers can lead you astray.
I don't know how much I've mentioned about Toria, other than in passing, but she's tall, long haired, extremely cute, and a fellow writer. I respect her opinion about a great many things, and trust her to both be completely honest and supportive about stuff when I discuss it with her.
I told her about the blow up on Sunday, and how I felt. If I've left a lot of details of the specifics out, it's because, in talking it out with her, I realized that a lot of those details would be hurtful to put down in the journal. I still know that I made mistakes, but I also know now, more than ever, who really loves me. I thought that I would be abandoned, or worse...and instead, I was cared for in ways I didn't think possible.
Toria is one of the only people I know who would understand why that made me feel so much worse in some ways.
She said one thing that put a lot into perspective, most importantly (and I'm paraphrasing) that the best thing someone can do is to embrace people in your life who want you to be happy. That may seem like a no brainer, but it's something that I've been facing a lot lately -- that a lot of people are so concerned about their own fears that the happiness of the people they love takes a back seat.
I know for a fact that Roni, Karin, Valerie, Toria, and a few others completely and utterly want me to be happy. Not in a co dependant, they feel responsible for it sort of way, but in a supportive role. Knowing that, really feeling it deep down, has given me this real peace over the last few days.
After we ate, we went and snuggled in the open back of her Jeep (a strange similarity to the time I spent with Teri at the con two days before), and spoke about my job search, and what I really wanted to do with my life. Feeling her there, just being there, was healing to me. Even as I said I wasn't sure what to do, it was if the answers began to surface.
I'm starting to think that I should concentrate my job search on part time gigs, maybe 20 hours a week. Tech writing is pulling in 35 an hour, sometimes higher...more than enough to keep up, and even pull ahead a bit financially. The rest of the time I want to, as Toria put it, work really hard at the things I really love. Writing, developing the web-site, perhaps coming up with a BBW Erotica CD-ROM I've been threatening to put together for quite some time.
We also decided to work together on some fiction, something I've been wanting to do for the longest time. I've always enjoyed collaborative work. It's like jamming in jazz, only with words.
So she's setting up a journal for something she calls a letter game. Ironically, it's a diary-x blog, as she doesn't like LiveJournal (sighs). The only good thing is I won't have to get yet ANOTHER off line client, as I can just email the entry in. This suits the genre nicely, and we can see where it goes.
I get to write the first letter. I already have an idea who it's going to be, but it's a bit fuzzy tonight...I made the mistake of not drinking anything caffeinated today, resulting in one of those annoying headaches. Tomorrow, on the other hand, I should be fine.
We're both resolved to see each other once a week -- since I come over the hill Wednesdays to pick up Michele anyway, we decided to shoot for lunch then. After she moves into her new place, we'll be able to meet there.
Oh, we also talked about the Wired piece about blogs ("Blah, Blah, Blah, BLOG") and John Dvorak's rather bitter diatribe about how Bloggers are self indulgent and desperate for attention. I was of the mind that ALL writers...myself and Dvorak included...are like that. Twit.