Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Resisting the Pen

So, I've been deliberately ignoring the icon for XJournal for the past week. It's little representation of a crossed pen and pencil is strangely reminiscent of the endless mental duel between first and final drafts. Oddly compelling, especially for one who doesn't do much in the way of re-writing.

I keep wanting to talk about things, but when I bring up LJ at work during lunch, or later while "unwinding" (so that's what the kids are calling chronic insomnia these days?) all I can do is read, and comment. Quite a few comments, actually.

Which reminds me of the days when the newsgroups really worked well, and you could post stuff, and people would reply, and then conversations would branch off forming new threads...

And sure, the guilty pleasure of a good flame war.

Most of all I miss some of the relationships that were borne of those interactions. I miss lennier and scubachik and Phree and... well, all of them. Somehow I managed to fall out of my community, and instead of re-creating it (as I have so many times before) I can't seem to hash out the details.

Having the rest (or at least most of the rest) of the Lucid Pagans here for Mabon helped a lot: Knowing that they weren't going to go away because of what I hope is a temporary personal conflict made me feel more secure. As it is I'm dealing with so many questions about myself, what I want, how to express it all that I'm in a constant state of agitation.

Mind you, it's no where near the intensity of 6 months ago (has Linda really been gone that long?). I take my victories as they come, too -- like remembering that Michele's birthday is on the 5th, calling... and then managing not to screw it up too badly, even if I felt awkward and afraid to say the things that I really wanted to talk about -- like how much I missed her, being around her, the way we used to be, sleeping together, and hell yes, the sex.

Realizing that all the things that I did wrong were not everything that made my marriage fall ill and die, though my eternal optimism (no, that's NOT sarcasm) made me refuse to see the entire picture, or even an appreciable percentage. That some of those things contributed to not seeing my problems with steelmagnoliaca until she cut me off out of sheer frustration of not knowing how to deal with them... and me.

She sent Roni a note recently, mentioning that she was missed this last BBW Vegas Bash in June. Roni's response was along the lines of "What 'missed'? None of these people have a relationship with me anymore, so what is there to miss?" I recall replying that perhaps they were trying to extend an olive branch amongst all the debris of the past. There's that blinding optimism again... shaded not so subtly with the sting that no one told me the same.

Of course, that forces me to confront the anger... no, not THE anger, MY anger. Let's talk ownership of a feeling. We're talking the 30 year mortgage term, and the rates are not fixed at prime.

After a very long time of not being able to hold one, I think I had become one walking grudge. I realized how angry it made me that Val had left me only a few months ago, a good year after the fact. That I screwed up an amazing relationship between me and her, and threw in being the complication that broke the back of her and Roni's. How does one man manage to fuck over so many dynamics at once?

I said "had become", because I think I'm getting better. Recently, I actually felt a little of my old self fitting seamlessly back into my life. Not a reversion to the less savory or in-ethical ways of being, but a certain honest joy at the possibilities in my life in the here and now.

I'm still grieving for Linda, my marriage, Val, the Walking Kinkfest, and other aspects of my life (like missing people like ambar, ladybear and others who may have just decided that I didn't fit in their lives any more). I think, though, that the joy in my life is beginning to outweigh it, or at least that I can see it did all along.
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