Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Complicated Choices (and Other Examples Of Synchronicity)

A recently re-encountered friend of mine, llhinkle, made a comment on a recent post that really struck me as remarkably incisive. She referred to the recent upheaval in my life as the result of "complicated choices". Later, while chatting she hastened to note that phrase wasn't meant as a slam in the least, but as an observation that I tend toward the choices that have more difficult to manage outcomes.

I was far from insulted. Instead, it was a word choice that sent me into one of those extended reflective periods that caused the usual flow of chatter in this LJ to come to a damn near screeching halt while I parsed some permutations.

I do make complicated choices. A lot of the time I think I'm making the most selfish, or the easiest choice, at least from my point of view, only to realize that there WERE far more selfish, and definitely far easier choices I could have made. Yet for a variety of reasons I didn't even consider them.

The biggest reason? Most of them were just plain wrong. Of course, this is relative to ones ethical base, and mine is certainly a bit freakish (to say the least!). Throw in all the changes in my life, and you get one dizzy Yo.

Then there are even more bizarre turns... like the sudden resurfacing of people who used to be major parts in my life, but then fell out. Like steelmagnoliaca, who suddenly seemed to understand that I really want in my life, even as "only" a friend. Hey, with luck it could even be with benefits someday. She seemed to be under the impression that I couldn't go "back" to that after being in a Relationship.

To paraphrase my reply to that... "You don't know me very well, do you?" Well, actually she does know me well... but just not that aspect.

I mean, if Roni could summarily dump me for a year, and still have me take her back into my life... hell, to the point where we're living together... why wouldn't I accept Val back as a friend and (goddess willing) lover?

The end result was our first happy chat in... well, too long. Almost a year. I really miss chatting with her, almost more than anything else. Talking too.

And it doesn't stop there... Missy, a woman Roni and I dated for a bit, recently popped up... and now things are re-establishing there. A woman I met at a dance a year ago started chatting with me... and it turns out she's friends with a woman I slept with at Harbin ten years ago! And the list goes on...

At first I was wondering if there was some sort of cosmic reason behind it all... some weird planetary alignment helping me to find either a renewed interest or closure (so far it's running about 50/50. At least the closures have found people I care about in good stead, with people that had better realize I will kick their ass, one way or another, if they screw it up. Especially in Cupcake's case, or Bea...). But I had a flash tonight, while soaking with Roni, that made me understand something.

As my relationship with Michele became strained, I think I began to curtail a lot of my more flamboyant behaviors. I know, a lot of people might not have seen that as the case... but I was withdrawing a lot. I was acting like everything was the same, but inside I was constantly second guessing everything I did.

I suspect that I was exhibiting a lot of subconscious tension as a result. I have little doubt that was a major contributing factor in a lot of people... steelmagnoliaca included... withdrawing a bit themselves.

I think I owe everyone a bit of an apology.

No, make that a BIG one:

I'm Sorry.

I'm sure I'll be talking more about this as the weeks progress, especially as I deal with so many things behind the scenes that I can't speak here about... yet. Suffice it to say I think that thing I've been waiting for to happen in my life must be coming.
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