Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Well, That Wasn't What I Thought....

So, I was shocked to discover another key aspect of my personality reveal itself to me. I call it "key" because, immediately after I stumbled (as always, a klutz) across aforementioned aspect I felt an odd sort of peace, followed by one of the better night's sleep I've had in awhile, even though I was sucked into the "wandering through an endless mall" dream I have sometimes (confronted by too many choices? But that's another LJ entry, methinks).

I've always had a thing for three-or-more-somes, which, while a lot of fun, seemed to have a stronger fascination for me than the obvious geometric possibilities such non-one on one sexual encounters can provide.

While doing some difficult negotiating around boundaries with Roni, I realized what it was:

I have a deep seated need to feel watched... not in an exhibitionistic sense, but in the sense of being protected from harm and given permission to enjoy what's happening. No, not in a submissive sense, from the perspective of someone who's afraid of making mistakes all the time, and worried about being able to stop monitoring what I'm doing.

When I think of all the times I've slipped up sexually over the last 23 years, it all comes down to wanting guidance, and not being able to get it during those most intimate moments. This doesn't mean I don't like or won't participate in one on one, it just illuminates another dark corner of the wild and wacky place that is Yo's psyche. In other words, Yo wants to be KEPT safe, not just BE safe.

And you, you lucky readers, get to know about it now as well. Go talk amongst yourselves... I think you've got the topic all set.
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