Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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Still More Psychic Stress

Well, it looks like I'll be away from computers for a few days, so I want to get a Journal entry in now.

The trouble is that, right now, so much of what I want to say has an impact on so many people. A lot of the work I've been doing is resulting in a lot of upheaval, with advice (however unintentional it may be) and guidance coming in from all these disparate sources. I have a feeling that March is going to be a LONG month.

I'm off to Dallas in the Morning. I was panicking a bit, wondering how I could pull it off...when I realized I was focussing too much on trivial problems. It was probably more due to a "Bad ADD Day" then anything, one of those days when I should be operating heavy machinery or driving. I did neither, and sat around fretting a lot.

Today I realize I should heed the advice I always give to so many other people and just have fun. No expectations. Kick back, enjoy the eye candy around the pool (It's a BBW bash called Big as Texas...this is my fifth one. A good friend of mine is a key-note speaker this year, so I want to be there to support her), and just generally cause mayhem by my outrageous presence.

But back to yesterday. I did a lot of chatting, online or on phone, mostly on the same topic -- understanding why I'm so capable of speaking my mind about a lot of things, yet terrified of even speaking of the basics when in a relationship. I suspect that I've been using the labels as a means of avoiding specifics...it's easy, for example, to say I'm polyamorous...a hell of a lot harder to actually put the work in and integrate the meaning of being poly into my everyday life.

As a result, there are a lot of people I wasn't able to completely reveal my feelings to. It was a result of not wanting to scare them off with the intensity that I'm accused of at times. As a result, I've managed to completely confused those relationships. The remarkable thing is how open minded they're all being about it...so, maybe this will work out some way after all. Maybe not entirely the way I expect -- but what does?

Teri raised an important point today (actually, it was monday...but I didn't find her email amongst the damn spam until today). Sometimes there's a tendency to let the eye-candy and people less than compatible become distractions little worth the brief moments of pleasure they provide. As an ethical slut, I will not abandon someone having issues because they're having trouble integrating my sexuality into their lives...however, it is also my responsibility to walk away from a situation, at least in a sexual context, until it's they can resolve it, with me or without me. I too have had those situations where I've had a group scene with people and wound up trading 5 hours of counseling for the 1 hour of play. Negotiating scenes over and over with the same people to insure that I don't accidentally trip over the same buttons.

If it resulted in people coming to terms with their issues, I would have no trouble with it. But if it's just a way of enabling their personal psycho-dramas, at my expense...well, as it was said, I could be more productive with someone else....or by myself writing.

This weekend will be a fun experiment to see how much I've learned over the last few months. I know it won't be like any other bash I've ever attended, that's certain.

Well, next week will certainly make up for any shortcomings at the bash: I might have a photo shoot with a SSBBW who's thinking of doing erotic modeling for a CD-ROM I'm thinking of. Also, a possible "date" with wickedladybear next Friday night, which I'm definitely looking forward to. Also, a rain-check for a certain exhausted person might be cashable next week...oh and ambar is picking me up at the airport Monday when I get back.

Sheesh. How the hell did my life get so over-planned? Ass to this I need to harass Noe about paying for some of the work he did for me, which will probably mean a meeting Thursday. I need that cash to get the Blue Skittle (my NeoBeetle) gone over and fixed. I'm pretty sure the rear brakes are only at 15%, and it needs a new oil pan. Gah...

(Takes a deep breath).

Now off to finish the next letter for Toria...
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