One of the reasons I talked myself into going was to do photographs of two models, both of whom managed to completely flake on me. Since I had gone to great lengths to make sure I brought the new lights (you know, the ones I bought with the bash in mind) this was a bit of an aggravation.
Also, the former walking kinkfest (Hans, Annette, Karen and Valerie) were there, some of them being particularly obnoxious. Valerie was there with her new monogamous relationship (I'm still debating if this is just a phase or if she's really decided Poly isn't for her), which was odd. Of the group Hans was the friendliest, as long as neither Annette or Karen was about -- I'm guess the boy's on a VERY short leash these days.
I know, I haven't mentioned or written about them much since the now infamous "breakup" with Valerie, especially after the mere mention of their first names here got me some serious shit with them shortly after they all "broke up" with Val. However, two things happened to make me realize that I no longer have any reason to embargo my feelings on the subject.
First, they treated Roni like a child with their patronizing and condescending bullshit by telling her (once I wasn't around) that they were sorry they couldn't be friendlier, as it wasn't anything RONI did, but me.
I call bullshit: Have your issues or disagreements with me, sure: But don't use it as an excuse to belittle someone I love, treating them as if they were deluded because they still have a relationship with me.
Second, they actually had the BALLS to run the "Alternative Lifestyles/BDSM" workshop on Saturday (something that came as a bit of a shock, as the program only listed a "Lady A" as the moderator). You can't claim to be in the closet about your lifestyle after holding a workshop on the topic, in my humble opinion.
Did I make mistakes in that situation? Hell yes: First and foremost I should have just stayed out of it. But Love makes you do some really stupid things, and Valerie wasn't just in pain, she was in agony. Would I have done the same if I knew she would turn around and dump us just so she could be friends with the very people who rejected her in the first place?
In that small a word you see why perhaps they're right when they say they think I'm delusional. But if I have to choose between throwing away the feelings I have for someone and playing the game of being "right", I guess I'll choose the former every time. Even if it hurts.
And hurt it does, folks. Just like I still shed a tear remembering Linda this past weekend (Kasey, a lovely woman we ran into that took an instant, and quite mutual, liking to Roni was an old Faire hand), I still feel the sting knowing that people I trusted that much still refuse to move on and leave well enough alone. After this weekend, I think I'll miss it a lot less, especially since I can see who's caused all the dysfunction in that group a lot more clearly now that I've had a chance to observe their interactions a bit.
Anyway, if I'm ever going to get over it, I'm going to write about it as needed. If someone has a problem with it, I suggest they not read it.
Fortunately, that's pretty much it for the BAD (or at least, uncomfortable) aspects of the bash. The good far outweighed it, with the aforementioned Kasey (who's starting a quarterly magazine called "RealPeople" that Roni is a finalist to be on the premier cover -- woo!), and the naked adoration of several people who are organizing the NAAFA fat sex panel this August.
I really have a hard time with praise. I think I pretty much assume I'm going to ahve a lukewarm response from most people, or even outright hostility. I have absolutely NO idea what to do when people who only know me from my "work" online (such as it is) go to great length to praise it, and me.
Heather Boyle apparently is the driving force behind the "new" NAAFA convention style (including the panel) -- mind you, we disagree on a lot of things (feeder/feedee relationships, to name one), but she has a lot of respect for the fact that I was willing to put myself out there for size acceptance. Personally, I still have that weird sense that it was all one big happy accident, a case where my incessant obsession with fat sexuality during the dawn of the internet happened to collide one dark foggy night. I suspect that's the case for most fame, especially the niche sort -- but it doesn't ameliorate it much for me.
During Thursday night I got another one of those boosts by appearing on BBWRadio.com, which was broadcasting live from the floor Thursday night during Karaoke. Those interested in hearing what Yohannon sounds like after singing three songs* and screaming over the way too loud music can here a replay of the show next Thursday night, at 8PM PDT. I'm not even sure what I said, as Roni thought it would be fun to pour Run and Coke into my bod as lubricant to get me to sing.
Also, it was fun just to go on a road trip with Roni... it had been way too long.
I'm writing this Saturday, right before I break down the lights that weren't used this weekend at all (damn it all). I'm hoping that if I can manage an early enough start tomorrow that we can drive through Yosemite (always a fun drive), though now that I think on it perhaps that's not such a good idea. After all, it's the weekend of the Fourth, and all the previous years were before that holiday. I shudder to think of what traffic might be like this time around.
At last I begin to shake off the remaining dross that has clung to my emotional state over the last few years. The people who have decided that I'm not worthy of their place in my life might be disappointed by the lessons I've learned, especially if it doesn't paint them in the best light, but learning them I am. Personally I would live and let live, as long as they stay out of my business and stop trying to fuck with me and mine. Otherwise I no longer feel like I have to hold anything back.
* The songs? Jack Johnson's "Flake" (Roni says I did really well, and nailed the "money note", though I'm not sure what part of the song she meant), The Beatles "Back in the USSR" (I looked up as I was finishing, surprised to see people actually DANCING to it -- I guess I didn't completely suck) and Adam Ant's "Goodie Two Shoes" (which I did alright at, though I think I need more practice before tackling it again). That's right, two new songs, though I KNEW I could nail "Flake" as I've always liked how it "felt" singing along to it. I think Jack Johnson sings it in my "key"... F, I think. Who would of thunk it?