October 8th, 2001

Yo Maniacal Tang

Pissed Off Yo...

I did several things first: I ate. I waited. I thought about it. Then, I went back and re-read the post in question.

My conclusions? That mentioning three first names (actually, two first names and a nick name) in a medium where no one was likely to recognize them was not "poor judgment". I told no secrets, left out details. I've obscured even those three names in any case, as it does people I care about -- even if I am royally pissed off at them at the moment.

I was grappling with my feelings, and refusing to hide -- and as usual, I'm being called on the carpet for it. Added to that that someone took it upon themselves to call attention to that posting, and my anger is complete.

I wanted to make sure it wasn't low blood sugar, or that perhaps I was over-reacting a bit...then I realized that the context was being blown entirely out of proportion, thanks to a muck-racking former "friend" (both in the LiveJournal and real time sense). I will not censor myself, or my other feelings...I wasn't posturing myself as an elder of any group, I was trying to grapple with how I felt about even the possibility.

At the moment, I have no idea how this is going to go... it's another indication of my internal revolution of the past 4 weeks, that I find I am still not afraid. I know for a fact I would be in a full blown panic over this if it had happened, say, in June of this year... however, now, I believe that people who were really friends with me, or really cared, would not have left the voice mail and email they did. I shudder at the idea of being so easily manipulated, especially so recently in my life.

I'm willing to bet that they all would love to hear me apologize. The odds of that happening, at least the way I feel right now, are slimmer than Callista Flockhart three years dead. Nor do I expect an apology for their behavior. At least in terms of the quad, I would hope we could work this out...I still care about them, and love them. But if the result of this is a choice between crawling back and holding myself upright as myself, then I would have to suffer that loss. As for the one who started another drama in my life without so much as consulting with me directly first...well, all I can say is "three fold law". It will bounce back to her three times, and I don't have to lift a finger -- just wait for it to happen. Kharma is a wonderful thing that way.

Of course, that call came in as I was grappling with ANOTHER interesting issue in my life (letting that one go to voicemail was perhaps one of the smartest things I've done -- I don't even want to THINK of what I would have said in the heat of the moment!). My dear friend Toria is trying to get her life straightened out, and apparently I'm a part of that confusion. Not in a bad way (fortunately), but it is a case of "one thing too many" for both of us. While we want to work it all out, schedule conflicts are such that we find ourselves unable to meet until after Samhain. Well, three more weeks to sort out the other messes in our lives.

I don't hide my feelings very well...when I picked up the voice mail from [deleted], I was obviously distracted for a few minutes...I explained the situation, and her thought (as a public journal writer herself) was remarkably similar to mine...as long as I didn't list full names and addresses, or go into specific details, what the hell was the issue? While I managed to get us back on our issues, it was something I wound up thinking about right until I got home (about 30 minutes ago now).

After I post this item, I have happier things to move on to: I have a recruiter hot for my resume and references. Things seem to be picking up again, war or no war. Hopefully this means that I'll have something to do other than hunting for a job by November. I should go do that now...
  • Current Music
    A Greatful Dead Boot (I need to calm down...)