February 12th, 2002

Yo Maniacal Tang

The Continuing Saga...Part 1

Due to the delicate nature of the topic, part two of tonight's entry is going to be limited to my Friends list. I know, you gotta wonder about a guy who will talk about his sex life publicly, but not...well, the people who read it will understand.

Well, the visit to Karin was more than wonderful...she's good for the ego. Well, she's good for a lot of things...including an all time first for me.

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  • Current Music
    The Kinks - Lola
Yo Maniacal Tang

When Insomnia Strikes

So I have this huge emotional LJ purge, and go collapse. My heart's pounding, I can't sleep, and two hours later I decide it's Ambien time. Since the whole addiction theme has been beaten into my mind of late, and it is a potentially habit forming substance, I count out the pills to make sure I haven't been taking too many. I have a Dr. who thinks that 30 should be plenty for, say, three months time. I got them refilled at the end of the year, about 6 weeks ago. I count out...


Then I realize I had poured the remnants of the previous three month supply into a single bottle, to make it look less like a pharmacy in my bag. Which means, excluding the 2 I gave Roni to help her sleep, I've only taken 10 over the last 4 and a half months.

Sheesh. Take the damn pill so you can get SOME sleep tonight.

Because it seems appropriate, considering the hour:

Would you survive a horror movie?


"No psycho slayer is going to get between you and your right to life. You're an ass-kicker, a charge taker, and if need be, a monster masher. You're level-headed in sticky situations, you trust your instincts, and you're not afraid to get a little dirty while getting the job done. Simply put, you rock! But don't get carried away. Even though your little brother might act like a creep sometimes, you definately shouldn't be driving stakes through his heart! "

Thank you, I needed that.
  • Current Music
    Depeche Mode -- Behind the Wheel
Yo Maniacal Tang

The Saga's Aftermath

Well, whatever else they may do to you, Ambien works. I crashed a mere 10 minutes after taking the pill, only to be awakened by the sound of a ringing phone 4 hours later.

It was Roni. Apparently she got home late last night, after being out of cell range for most of the day, to find phone message from myself, Val, H and S, not to mention copies of the rancorous e-mail exchange between H and Val (I never got around to mentioning its role in last nights upset, but at this point it's moot...suffice it to say H placed the onus for helping us determine his own limits squarely on us, rather himself. He's being such a shit about this!).

So she started making the phone calls, tracking us all down. It appears things have calmed down a bit, with H and S deciding to back down a couple of days to let things cool off.

I hadn't realized how much of this situation was triggering my own feelings toward my past problems, not to mention the lack of resolution over some of the very same behavior that H is exhibiting now. Yeah, I got better...but now I feel like someone who's been a drunk for thirty years and now can't make amends to so many people, long exited from his life.

Roni asked me "Why do this? Why leave your journal lying open to the public, even if it's only to your friends?" A good question. The answer is I need to get over this fear of exposure. Stop laughing! Sure, so I can be gregarious and open, but writing goes a lot deeper. Writing, REALLY writing, can be more intimate than sex...or as shallow as sex, for that matter.

I need to start being completely honest, perhaps in ways that normally makes me uncomfortable or want to run and hide. If I think it's going to be THAT bad, I might restrict it to a group of people, hoping they understand what I'm trying to do...but otherwise, I have to get it out there.

Mentioning the reformed drunk before reminds me of something a therapist told me to do regarding unresolved feelings re: my father. You know, that old "write a letter and bury it" thing. FOr some reason, it didn't work for me...I didn't want to bury those feelings, or set them alight to "release them into the universe". I wanted an audience, people I could express these feeling with a sense of empathy.

Goddess...is that why I'm a writer this time around?
  • Current Music
    Porpoise song (theme from HEAD - The Monkees - Anthology (disc two)