|Thursday, February 21st, 2002|
12:03a - An Unexpected Lunch
So, Roni and I rented Ground Hog's Day and Speed (I desperately wanted some mindlessness, but also wanted some content...a hard combo) and were having a nice quiet post convention evening. She crashed early, as she had to be up at 5 am to get to the cafe.
Toria popped into the realms of chatting, and I mentioned I really need to see her...and lo, the gods did decree to cut Yo some slack, and thusly she did reveal that a meeting she had set for Tuesday was non longer, so how would I like to meet for a long lunch?
After praising the heavens, I said "hell yes", and made plans to meet at Stacks in Campbell.
This brings us to the strange dreams entry I posted below, which I entered, and then staggered into a shower and then to the car, somehow managing to get dressed on the way.
I actually got to Campbell in plenty of time, but (despite having pulled up the address on an online map) I couldn't find the damn restaurant.
I finally did locate it, and saw (once again) how computers can lead you astray.
I don't know how much I've mentioned about Toria, other than in passing, but she's tall, long haired, extremely cute, and a fellow writer. I respect her opinion about a great many things, and trust her to both be completely honest and supportive about stuff when I discuss it with her.
I told her about the blow up on Sunday, and how I felt. If I've left a lot of details of the specifics out, it's because, in talking it out with her, I realized that a lot of those details would be hurtful to put down in the journal. I still know that I made mistakes, but I also know now, more than ever, who really loves me. I thought that I would be abandoned, or worse...and instead, I was cared for in ways I didn't think possible.
Toria is one of the only people I know who would understand why that made me feel so much worse in some ways.
She said one thing that put a lot into perspective, most importantly (and I'm paraphrasing) that the best thing someone can do is to embrace people in your life who want you to be happy. That may seem like a no brainer, but it's something that I've been facing a lot lately -- that a lot of people are so concerned about their own fears that the happiness of the people they love takes a back seat.
I know for a fact that Roni, Karin, Valerie, Toria, and a few others completely and utterly want me to be happy. Not in a co dependant, they feel responsible for it sort of way, but in a supportive role. Knowing that, really feeling it deep down, has given me this real peace over the last few days.
After we ate, we went and snuggled in the open back of her Jeep (a strange similarity to the time I spent with Teri at the con two days before), and spoke about my job search, and what I really wanted to do with my life. Feeling her there, just being there, was healing to me. Even as I said I wasn't sure what to do, it was if the answers began to surface.
I'm starting to think that I should concentrate my job search on part time gigs, maybe 20 hours a week. Tech writing is pulling in 35 an hour, sometimes higher...more than enough to keep up, and even pull ahead a bit financially. The rest of the time I want to, as Toria put it, work really hard at the things I really love. Writing, developing the web-site, perhaps coming up with a BBW Erotica CD-ROM I've been threatening to put together for quite some time.
We also decided to work together on some fiction, something I've been wanting to do for the longest time. I've always enjoyed collaborative work. It's like jamming in jazz, only with words.
So she's setting up a journal for something she calls a letter game. Ironically, it's a diary-x blog, as she doesn't like LiveJournal (sighs). The only good thing is I won't have to get yet ANOTHER off line client, as I can just email the entry in. This suits the genre nicely, and we can see where it goes.
I get to write the first letter. I already have an idea who it's going to be, but it's a bit fuzzy tonight...I made the mistake of not drinking anything caffeinated today, resulting in one of those annoying headaches. Tomorrow, on the other hand, I should be fine.
We're both resolved to see each other once a week -- since I come over the hill Wednesdays to pick up Michele anyway, we decided to shoot for lunch then. After she moves into her new place, we'll be able to meet there.
Oh, we also talked about the Wired piece about blogs ("Blah, Blah, Blah, BLOG") and John Dvorak's rather bitter diatribe about how Bloggers are self indulgent and desperate for attention. I was of the mind that ALL writers...myself and Dvorak included...are like that. Twit.
current mood: accomplished
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4:39p - Word Play
Today's word is:
An intense irrational fear of bridges. See: bunjee
Today I note that I now have ten friends listed, 5 of whom I personally indoctrinated into LiveJournal. Blog free or die! Mwhahahaha!
current mood: silly
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6:03p - Making It to the Weekend
Well, it's been that kind of week, and Wednesday was no different. I won't go into to much detail, but I finally got some closure involving K, the last of the SD triad that has played SO prominently lately. She was upset that I had (in her words) decided to change the parameters of our agreements without involving her.
Of course, she had good reasons for not returning my calls or emails. That she had pretty much decided to alter the parameters on her own by last November, rendering her complaints moot AND hypocritical was something I chose not to bring up. In her mind it might have been, as she put it, a reaction to her being pissed off with me. But still, the statement that she wouldn't make a special effort to visit me if she happened to be in the same city was a real smack in the face after I performed small miracles to be in Phoenix last August.
Ah well...at least I also got to hang with wickedladybear and dcatt, and got some GREAT photos. Now to finish that damn third roll that has been in the camera since last August. 28 of the best pics are in that roll of 36, and the Bear has been making digs about it. Catt has been quiet, perhaps because she...well, she was out of character, shall we say. Though by the time I get the damn things developed she might be far enough along she just considers them "hot".
Quite frankly, it was pretty sad to watch K try and justify her fears to me, insisting it was how she was wired. I understand how hard it is to counter "bad wiring" (suffering from it myself), but disagree strongly that we should let it control us completely. The last week has taught me that acknowledging such limitations is not, in itself, the evil...the problem is using it to avoid dealing with issues that can hurt others.
I truly love all three of them, but now realize there is little I can do to help them. I suspect that they have pretty much decided that I've thrown in my lot with Val, even though I've done what I could to make that not the case. Now, I have to concentrate on working with the people willing to work with me, openly and honestly.
(insert long pause and heavy sigh here)
Fortunately for my state of mind, that was NOT the way the day continued. In fact, I felt that strange peace again...part and parcel of the whole clearing of the old business, I'm guessing. I spoke with E (who wasn't feeling well, but was working anyway) about the call I got last Friday while with kshandra, and she told me about her new toy (her very first vibrator, with different pulse settings...woohoo!), left a message for Valerie about my talk with K, and called the Bear about her odd behavior the night before (she had been a very unhappy ursine, but she was a lot better when I called her).
The talk with WLB went on for a lot longer than I intended, and I actually received a return call from Val thanks to the wonders of call waiting and an actual "flash" button on the phone. I finally wrapped things up with Bear, called Val back, and felt almost emotionally healthy by the time I had to run to get Michele at Exodus (a Cables and Wireless Service).
Michele and I actually had a great night, although Rob was in a foul mood. She had a large backlog of work, which can make any writer just insane, so we both tried to keep out of her way. I did manage to set her off when I rebuffed her attempts to tell me how to boil water in the new pots.
Later that night I got a wonderful surprise when bunjee (Karin) asked me to tuck her in via chat. I was VERY happily surprised at this, as I figured I had several weeks of deserved crow meat eating to do before this would happen.
As if that wasn't a full enough evening, I also got WickedLadyBear her journal, and cooked up some great thumbnail pics for her. At this point she has more pics than *I* do, which is, to be blunt, pitiful. I should crop some good ones to add to the fully clothed to fully suggestive ones currently available.
[digression]I just received an IM from my friend Jamice asking "How has your week been?". I just sent her a link to this journal.[/digression]
Which brings us (at long last to TODAY. As in finally catching up on my life.
I wanted to get out of the house to avoid dealing with the BroomHilda people. Since I was over the hill before 10, I decided to give avalon33 a call. I didn't expect her to be free for a visitor, as she has school, lives with her mom, and so forth...but by one of those wonderful bits of synchronicity, her day was mostly free.
Since she reads my LJ it was a lot easier to catch up with what's been going on. I added the bits that I haven't posted here, which concerned her a bit...but she didn't recoil from me, and was willing to deal with the situation. I really needed that affirmation right now, especially after dealing with K yesterday.
I wound up being there for almost 4 hours, talking, playing, snuggling, talking some more, playing some more...and so forth. She lives in this duplex with incredibly thin walls, so I KNOW they heard every detail. Strangely enough, it didn't bother me like it normally would.
Drove back to SF, dodged the car accident a block away from Roni's (a fast left turn that took it to the wall...in this case a parked car. They were wheeling the fool away on a body board when I edged by), made Roni's bed and straightened up a bit, updated my LJ.
After all this, I have to start writing that first email to Toria, so she can start the BLOG based novel we're going to write. Whee....
current mood: determined
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