|Saturday, November 23rd, 2002|
4:31a - Dude, SLEEP For Goddess Sake!
4:30 AM, and I need to be up in about 4.5 hours. I'm out of my mind.
Venus finally went direct on the 21st, thank goodness. I mention this to specifically annoy those without the imagination to consider the usefulness of any of the so-called "pseudo" sciences as a tool for self examination and improvement. Ok, that was a bit on the bitter side, true -- I hate insomnia.
Audra and I had a bit of a tiff yesterday, which (thank goddess) resolved itself after about 90 minutes of conversation and strained emotions. I now suspect that it was more a case of an incipient cold than my unfortunate tendency for miscommunication. However, I can't use that as an excuse to underestimate the impact of my ineptitude in the face of handling issues in my life.
When I originally began dealing with this weekend (a rare period of time where I could invite people to the house) I deliberately under scheduled items. Yet I find myself, yet again, confronting a WAY too complex schedule and bruised sensibilities, and rightly so.
steelmagnoliaca was able to change her flight so she could avoid dealing with traveling on the busiest flying day of the year. That was good. So good I didn't see the obvious conflicts with the original plans I had made with Karin and lavendersage for Saturday and Sunday, respectively. Worse, I'm trying to squeeze in a photo shoot with wickedladybear and her lady, Ardyn -- with the latter visiting from Australia, the odds of getting another shoot in after her return the first week in December was not good.
So, LadyBear and Ardyn were fine with Val being there (she was at the first shoot, where she really enjoyed snuggling with Ardyn), and Karin dealt with her arrival Saturday night pretty well as well. Audra was less accepting, which led to the argument I mentioned.
All of this leads me to think about something about myself I really dislike: My difficulty in accepting people's negative feelings without falling all over myself to try and fix it. Sometimes people just need to express whatever it is they need to express, and then they can move on. If there is anything I would like to be able to do better, it's to let that process happen without feeling so goddamned threatened by it.
If I wasn't already annoyed by the obvious need to get over that raging insecurity, I wandered over to Brezny's Free Will Astrology to see what he had for Aquarius this week:
"Why is it so hard to find a soulmate?" asks psychologist Carolyn Godschild Miller in her book Soulmates: Following Inner Guidance to the Relationship of Your Dreams. Her answer: "Because most of us are actually searching for egomates instead. We place the most limited and unloving aspect of our minds in charge of our search for love, and then wonder why we aren't succeeding. . . To the degree that we identify with this false sense of self, and operate on the basis of its limited point of view, we aren't looking for someone to love so much as recruiting fellow actors to take on supporting roles in a favorite melodrama." I suggest you make this a core meditation for the next seven weeks, Aquarius. After that, you'll be primed to move on to the next question, which is "What can I do to enjoy life with a soulmate?"
(This, btw, somehow manages to loop this entry back on itself to my complaint about how people too readily dismiss things like astrology. This is far from abdicating responsibility for my own actions -- in fact, it makes me confront those actions, not to mention the choices I should make if I want to improve my lot in life. No, it doesn't exactly suck... but without growth, what the point of living? But I digress...)
Sleep would be good right about now. See Yo Go Boom. Val will be here in less than 12 hours.
Oh, before he collapses, he notes the Ultimate Fibrous Leaf Product to reduce that dromedary to tears: Michele and Rob may delay their departure date to SUNDAY due to bad flu shot reaction on the part of Michele. Ironically, they mistook my frantic posturing as anger, so I was forced to explain that I was just concerned about someone inadvertently getting them sick (everyone who enters the house is well tutored on the issues of the environmental sensitivities they both have). One of the reasons I need to get my butt to Boulder Creek so early is to help them load up the truck for the trip up north to Oregon. If they leave late enough, Karin might finally get to meet R and M... at least briefly. Worst case, I toss her into the hot tub after she arrives, then shower her off (I call this my version of emergency decontamination). Pray for me, people, to the deity or deities of your choice.
Ok, one LAST item. Ever have a tune stuck in your head, one you can't identify? I've had this gutar riff popping up, literally for the last two months. I couldn't remember any lyrics, so I couldn't research it on the net, and (having worked in a record store myself) I couldn't bring myself to walk into a shop and try to whistle the melody.
Fortunately for me, I got lucky: The intro of the song, though very different from the bit stuck in my head, is used in the commercial for a bit of british bizarreness called "Trigger Happy TV" on comedy central. It took two weeks, but my mind FINALLY served up a pattern match while I was driving to the city yesterday (er...Thursday), which gave me a lead. A google today led me to the official site, in turn pointing me to the amazon.com soundtracks for the series...and the theme song.
Roni asked me "Feel better now?"
Hell yes. Almost as happy as when I *finally* tracked down Adrian Belew's "The Momur". Damn that obscure musical exposure during those wacky college years!
current mood: exhausted
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