July 14th, 2003


Altarations (And Other Changes)

I can't hurt people any more. I simply don't have it in me to take another weekend like this one past. Or what happened this morning. I can't stand to think of any of it any more.

My life has turned darker, leaving me feeling my way around cluttered spaces, stubbing my toes and cracking my shins against the furniture I have crammed into me life. Too much stuff...

Saturday was Audra's birthday. She cut her hair off (a shame... she has... well, HAD... such beautiful hair) after her friends and coven members "cast a circle" and "created sacred space". I went through the motions, though I should have remained apart from it. I felt like an imposter, an infidel looking on as the faithful found strength and joy. Making things even worse was that Kim felt it, that old charge I used to get. She, Audra and Eileen have hit it off to the point where they're calling her their "girlfriend", making official something they didn't think would happen only a month ago.

I suppose I should be happy for her, and them. I do feel it puts me in an untenable position in some ways. I like Kim, she's a good person, even a good friend. But there's a level of intimacy that seems expected that I simply don't feel around her. It's nothing that she's doing (or not doing, for that matter). Yet I sense that she has a chance at mutual happiness with Audra and Eileen that I could never hope to provide... to any of them. I *do* feel that strength of connection with E and A, but keep doing the stupidest things.

I had one of my dumb-ass meltdowns around 3 am Sunday morning. I tried avoiding it by going to sleep, but of course people were worried about me and tried to wake me up to talk. I was SO not up for that, and wound up leaving the house for an hour, fully intending to drive the car in a random direction until it broke down.

I chickened out. I wound up back at the house, confronting the mess I had left behind. I let myself believe that it could all work out.

Today it felt like I should have just kept driving.

Why can't I just say what I want? Why am I such a wuss when people say "It's okay to want something different", and cave in to things that I know aren't healthy for me?

Audra and I wound up having an argument over... you know, I don't know what the argument was over. I think I began to pull back, do some work to keep myself from getting hurt. She keeps telling me she can have hope and faith for both of us, yet she collapses under the weight of my fear like a shipping container in a tornado. I'm pretty certain, as I write this, that she's managed to self-medicate herself into a stupor (another thing I can no longer afford in my life).

Tonight, my goal is to get the religious artifacts packed up for selling. I figure there are still plenty of suckers on e-bay willing to pay for things like Athame's and tarot cards. Next, I need to flush everything even resembling medication down the toilet. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, or at least fail on my own terms.

Then I need to start focussing on the basics: Get a job, ANY job. Work on my marriage, see if I can salvage it at all. Excise all of the things that seem to be adding static to my daily existence, and focus on my core relationships.

I am fortunate that, though also Pagan, Roni's never been one to do rituals or magic -- I suspect a lot of this will have little or no impact there. She certainly won't be upset that I'm distancing myself from E and A, as she's always expressed the concern that anyone who hurt me once could do it again. I keep telling her that it's more a matter of me hurting myself, but her protective streak won't be denied.

Nor will mine.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

Instant Update - Just Add E-Mail

Audra literally sent me an e-mail as I finished and posted my last entry. She was surprised that I left without saying goodbye. Of course, she was still in that state of blind panic that I could do little or nothing about without lying through my teeth, so, given the choice I got out of dodge.

She wants to know where we stand. Well, I don't have the strength to stand for both of us, so I guess we don't. That failure galls me, as it leaves me with nothing. One by one, my hopes and dreams, and the things in the "real world" that kept me going, have been stripped from me. My work. My business (going nowhere... let's be honest here!). My relationships. My faith. Now, I can't even be there for people I love when they need me the most.

What the fuck is left? My Stuff? Hell, I've grown to resent most of it, yet I can't seem to decide what to get rid of... and how. There is so much that I have I can't bear to destroy or simply throuw away, yet there is no one else that would be interested in any of it. I suppose I should just gird myself and have a decent sized bon-fire of anything that has no worth, and load the rest onto Rob's truck to drag to good-will.

After that... what will be left? Nothing. I have no real worth any more, at least as far as I can see. I've managed to do so much wrong when it comes to people I profess to adore, worship, and love with all my heart that I lack even the benefit of a doubt that the most understanding could bestow upon me.

If this is what it's like to self-destruct, I wish that I could just get it over worth already, prefereably with as little collateral damage as possible. Of course, maybe that's why it's taking so long: Instead of falling apart so quickly that the shrapnel takes anyone out ( to paraphrase D. Adams), I could just be crumbling in that slow sink hole sort of way. Maybe I'll take out a house or two, and perhaps the hapless parked car, but nothing of real value. People can still get their heirlooms and valuables out, along with themselves, their assorted pets, and probably most of the pricier fixtures.