January 19th, 2004

Journal Goddess

Complete Memory Dump In Progress... Hold Your Noses, Y'all

Well, I'm sitting in the parking lot of the Whole Foods market, waiting on ambar (who, as of a few minutes ago, was still fighting her way across the Carquinez bridge), and realized I could be taking a minute to try and corral my experiences and thoughts, cats that they are, of recent days.

First, Saturday was both horrible and wonderful. It was good that Roni, lovingstones, lavendersage and penguin_goddess all seemed tog et along so well, and the food was incredible (thanks to Eileen's wicked skills in the kitchen). However, I could have done without the intervention (Audra's word for it, actually) targeted toward yours truly. For one thing, I've already BEEN grappling with a lot of the issues they all raised, and working towards resolving all of it. For whatever reason, the wonder triplets were not happy with slower progress.

If I had written this immediately afterwards, my general impression would be that everything was completely fucked, and it was completely and utterly my fault. Two days (and a lot of conversation online and on the phone) later, and I'm starting to realize that people really DO love me, faults and all, and are willing to work things out, no matter what.

It's really difficult for me to deal with failure, at least as I define it: Failing a commitment, regardless of what it is, is painful for me. Trying to lie about it, as horrible a liar as I am, only makes it worse, but I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where the truth will leave me alone and just as humiliated.

If Michele (now with her own LJ at bunnybutt) has ultimately rejected me because of my weaknesses, I can't blame her -- but it does leave me wondering how I can possibly "change my spots" (to use her metaphor) and become a better person. Before I completely give in to despair , I recall my step-father, who, despite all odds and my strong personal doubt, overcame his addiction to drinking and has remained sober for over 20 years.

If someone responsible for so much of my fear and pain can succeed, then how can I turn my back on myself?

Certainly, even with the huge mess I have to clean up (plural, actually), I keep hearing the same message over and over. Roni, kshandra, dragonwitchling, the wonder triplets (even Kim, who has cause to be VERY angry with me right now)... they've all said that I'm worth having in their lives even as I screw up on a grand scale. Even now, after everything that's happened, they're willing to help me any way they can to do the work.

My initial reaction to all of this was colored by the incident that happened when I, Roni, grr_rob and bunnybutt went through almost the same situation in therapy. I resolved then to work on a lot of this as well -- only somehow it all fell apart shortly thereafter. I suspect that made me very angry... hell, I *know* it did. I went through a lot of pain and soul searching, only to feel like it was no longer important enough to work out for all the players. If I'm to accept that I still have a sense of faith in my life, I have to allow this to be different, to believe it when everyone says they're going to stick with me, and we'll all get through it.

(And this would be where ambar tapped on my door window)
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    grateful grateful
Manic Man

And Then...

So, dinner with ambar only confirmed a lot of what I've been feeling about myself: That, despite my faults (some of them major) people still love me and want to work with me. At least the communication issues I've worked out in LJ are finally beginning to pay off.

Note to self: Other people work out their issues in LJ as well, and I should automatically assume that they're coming to a conclusion just because it happens to feed into my worst fears. And the same goes for all of y'all as well.

We could only spend about an hour or so talking through some things, during which I got a cell phone message from kshandra that made me smile.. and reminded me that the original plan was that I was going to stop by for a brief in-person hug on the way back to Boulder Creek. Only...

Let me put it like this... as of right now I'm in SF at Roni's (she's sleeping next to me with one of those night masks on, which is oddly erotic). The reason? A resume I submitted on Saturday netted me a call back this afternoon when I was dropping Roni off at Noe's to pick up the Volvo. It's a gig located in Mountain View, which is EASY commute distance from BC (or, for that matter, Hayweird or SF) for an OS X migration engineer.

The recruiter who called wanted me to tweak the resume, so within minutes of getting to lavendersage's place (lovingstones was up at the house doing crafty things with bunnybutt, and penguin_goddess was taking Will and his boy back up to Folsom after they spent the night) I was on the computer hacking the document and mailing it off. Literally as I sat down in the Temple after sending it off, my phone rang... and it was the recruiter, with more suggestions as to what they wanted to see in the resume before sending it up to the employer. He also asked me five questions, 4 of which I knew the answer to, and one I hadn't had need for (The one I missed? How to boot OS X in "single user" mode, Holding down command-s during boot, as it turns out. Duh...).

The new revisions were easy, as I could pull more job description stuff from another resume I had saved. He scheduled an interview with me for tomorrow at 10:30 AM, at the agency office in San Bruno... which is near SFO. Add to this that my LAST interview was in the city, which meant my "business casual" attire was at Roni's, and the logical thing to do was call MIchele, tell her I wasn't making it home (which turned out to be fine... she had to be in Oakland to do her first day at Mills at some absurdly early hour) and to make sure it was all okay with Roni.

The only unfortunate side effect of all of this is that I originally wanted to make a date with src for tomorrow night, but with all this hysteria both happy and not, I completely spaced it. Hopefully she'll have a few minutes free to see me at some point tomorrow, especially since I might be interviewing with the employer themselves that afternoon, if all goes well in the morning.

Who's the employer? It's this little outfit in Mountain View near the 101/85 interchange. They have something like 1100 mac desktops on site.

NASA Ames.

That's right... I could have NASA on my resume. NASA. It's enough to make my head explode just thinking about it.

It'll probably only be a short term gig... but if only for a few months, I can tell people that I work for NASA. Cross your fingers!
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    hopeful hopeful
Yo Maniacal Tang

Well, How About That...

So, just for laughs, I finally decided to take one of them there online Myers-Briggs things:

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.
Take Free Myers-Briggs Word Test

What makes it even funnier... I AM a journalist. Here and in "real life".
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    amused amused