|Saturday, May 14th, 2005|
8:23p - The Decline and Fall of My Brain (Part 265 - Oh No, Not Again)
I had a really bad day today.
Nothing in particular happened to me (he hastens to add) -- I had what Irene, my old therapist, used to call "a bad ADHD day". Later, when trying to talk about it with my manager (Dawn is back, thank goddess!!), I mentioned that I was frustrated with the complete lack of warning that comes before days like today. For example, if you're unfortunate enough to suffer from migraines, you know that there are sometimes pretty clear signs that one is coming on. Worst case, the pain is usually a dead giveaway.
With ADHD, even as thoroughly medicated as I am, there are days where you don't realize something's not right until that moment when you're explaining something to a customer, and you stop mid-sentence... because you can't, for the life of you, remember what it was you were JUST TALKING ABOUT.
Or you find yourself getting increasingly agitated by the fact that people seem to be whining excessively (they were, actually, but usually I can shrug/shake/laugh it off).
Or, even better, someone is talking to you not two feet away, and you can't hear a word they're saying. No, that's not right... you hear it, but it's like that particular part of the brain that puts those assorted phonemes together to for words, and the words together to form sentences, and then parses the whole mess to pick up the meaning that someone is attempting to convey to you, has decided to hork it up completely and shut down until you decide to take the situation seriously and bail.
But of course, you can't, because (damn it all) at the heart of it you're a professional, and you actually WANT to help people. Until that moment when help arrives in the form of the mid-shift, and you practically run from the floor before you either become bitterly sarcastic, scream, or... quite bluntly... burst into tears.
Which I wound up doing in Dawn's office. Dawn's not only a gifted manager, she has a child who is afflicted with this damn disorder. That's a great word for it, really... disorder.
I've been waiting for her to settle in before I started in about my issues while she was away. If I'm completely honest with myself, it wasn't that her stand-ins were BAD managers... rather, I have a great deal of difficulty in explaining myself when it comes to these bad days. The day to day stuff is actually pretty... well, maybe not easy. Certainly it's not as hard as trying to explain how a competent person can go from being a sensitive customer service tech to a complete disaster area without being hooked on something nasty. Or, for that matter, certifiable.
At least Dawn's done the homework, and she knows that I'm neither of those things. So I can get past the tedious justifications and get to the frustrations, some completely legitimate even if I weren't having a hard day. Especially to the things that would make hard days a lot easier to deal with, even preventable.
I've also told her about my incipient fatherhood -- something else that she's uniquely supportive about (she just got back from maternity leave). I think it was important that she know about that. She managed to let me vent before I went out to lunch, where lavendersage was able to talk me down (as stressed as she was, and for good reason, she correctly divined that, for once, I was MORE stressed), and I got a little fresh air and sun away from the madding crowd. The afternoon was at least maintainable, and I got out of there without eating any customers alive.
This week... it's been a whole week again. I know that journaling helps to sort out my thoughts a bit, but somehow I just haven't been able to face it. Writing has always been a way to process all the crap hurled my way into some sort of philosophical compost. You'd think with the intermittent insomnia I would have produced quite a few entries. The insomnia? Well, not having a regular schedule is totally screwing me up sleep pattern wise. I'm hoping that some of the changes I want to implement at work will help.
I'm just really grateful that some guiding force had Roni driving me to and from work today... these kinds of days could have had me rolling over Large Marge (yes, the car has a name. She named herself. You have issues with that?) trying to dodge something I would normally have seen coming a mile off. As it was I was really jumpy coming home.
And now she's cooking a yummy dinner, while I sit here typing this. Sometimes you have to appreciate the good things, even if you feel helpless in the face of one's own biology.
current mood: embarrassed
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