|Tuesday, May 17th, 2005|
12:53a - Setting Them Free
So, just when you thought it was safe to walk to work from your car...
And yes, her hair WAS blue...
Creepy fact: I had walked in front of that store not 40 minutes earlier. I ponder how fast I can be, compared to how DENSE, and wonder which way it would have broken... literally and figuratively.
Last saturday was a bad ADHD day. I was in a fog all day. I could have been walking in the same fog today. It could have happened a little earlier. In fact, that whole section of the street often has people milling about... families, shoppers. It's a freaking miracle that, other than the driver, no one was hurt.
The irony was that I'm having a major rebound. That usually happens after one of those "bad" days, actually. Suddenly I'm sharp, vivacious, in a general good mood... so much so that after I heard what happened, I felt a touch guilty about how darn GOOD I felt.
The news story neglects to mention a few salient facts... like the car was a Jaguar, the front of the store was pretty much caved in by said Jag, even after plowing past a parked car, sheering off a parking meter in the process.
UPDATE: Okay, this is creepy... the news story actually changed in the hour since I started putting this together. I remember that there was a rumor flying about when the accident first happened, that a woman walking by was pinned. When the story first hit the SFGate, there was no mention of a second victim, so those of use at the store thought it was just one of those things that happens as word of the brouhaha spread throughout the town. Now, there IS a passage about exactly what I had heard originally... that the parked car hit by the jaguar actually jumped the curb and pinned a pedestrian.
Ironically, I was going to write an entry tonight about how I've been processing past relationships lately, mostly around the people who have dumped me. How I have this tendency to cling to the hope that people will come back. Fortunately, I think I've managed to avoid the whole stalker thing (which is just so ICKY). I think I need to meditate on the classic cliché about letting something go free. Stalkers tend to add on that extra line after "If it doesn't come back, it never was", "so hunt it down and kill it".
I never could understand that. I mean, if you love someone, don't you WANT them to be happy? If that means staying the fuck away, then move on with your life. Essentially the homicidal stalker types are saying "If I can't have you, no one can... if I can't be happy, then you should suffer as well"...
Ah... ownership. Maybe that's why I'm different. I never felt like I could OWN someone like that. But that thought breaks down with the idea that the need to possess, own, essentially control someone is borne of insecurity, and I know for certain that I'm PLAGUED with that.
Yet the worst I can say is that I cling to hope too long. Even with "hopeless" situations, like wickedladybear, steelmagnoliaca, bunnybutt, or even those vague amorphous situations with ambar and others. If any of those people ever decided that they wanted to "come back", then they will. Otherwise, allowing parts of myself to pine after them like sad puppies is a waste of my energy and life, and (probably) a major annoyance to them.
I suppose that my fear is that, by withdrawing even the occasional ping via instant messaging or email, they'll think I'm no longer interested and, fearing rejection, never approach me. Perhaps I'm afraid that it'll look like I wasn't ever really COMMITTED to whatever relationship we DID have if I don't at least try. Even more frightening is the idea that maybe they'd come back... and I would have to say "no".
I suck at breaking up. I suck even more at saying "no".
But people do come back. And I said "yes" because I wanted them back. And sometimes it works out, other times it sort of plays out in a variety of ways.
That's probably what I should remember most.
current mood: cheerful
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