September 1st, 2009

yo sits

...Or Does It Explode?

 So, lately I caught myself writing down ideas for stories. You know, writing.

The drought I found myself in had less to do with ideas (I always tend to have those) and more to do with incessant belly-button gazing. Stepping outside of oneself and taking a good, long, hard look is something that everyone should do from time to time, but until recently I don't think I ever actually SAW myself in the same light as other people did.

Yeah, the ADHD is a part of that -- what a lot of people mistake for ego or arrogance is my desperate attempt to cover up my self-inflicted damage, which in turn was programmed into me by my less than stellar youth experiences. A larger part is finally getting some context for my life in terms of how other people might view it.

For example, suddenly realizing just how... well, "colorful" is the word that Roni used recently... my life has been when I compare it to others. Ironically, being attracted to people (both intellectually and/or physically) who are equally, if not more colorful likely slowed this dawning comprehension. That my odd assessment that the incidents that happened to me over the last 47 years weren't just isolated moments of oddness, exceptions to an average life -- they were, and still are, the RULE of my life.

I somehow came to accept myself as outside the norm, without considering the forces that got me there. And that process has been, to say the least, a major revelation.

I've also been contending with the unnerving idea that it's not just about what I can or can't see, it's what other people are seeing (or not). Realizing that I've been guilty of the same sins of assumption, that people were gas-lighting me when they said they couldn't understand something, especially when I know they're really smart.

The other day it got really freaking hot, especially for Alameda -- 97 degrees. I mentioned to Roni that I had reversed the ceiling fan to pull the hot air up out of a room, and she didn't understand -- she thought the blades were flat, and that it didn't matter. Roni is very, VERY smart, but it took me 15 minutes and using a tortured nut and bolt analogy ("You see, the air is the nut, and the fan blades are the bolt...") before she grasped it. Suddenly, decades of feeling like people were being deliberately dense was put in a whole new context.

And those writing ideas -- they took on a new meaning. That I have a talent for it was never a question to me -- but it was a talent I thought was causing me more trouble than it was worth, especially here.

I took some time off from LJ to see how I would feel, and suddenly I was bursting with stories, both from my current life (which, time and again gets me into trouble), from my past (which I realized I never really covered) to the burst of imagination that produces something wholly new from both. I've begun jotting things down, and have found a very nice Author centric editor/writing project management application. I didn't even remember consciously looking for it... I just did one day, downloaded it, and have been taking a look.

What's next? I don't know... let's find out.

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
  • Tags