Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Clueless Chatty Clods

After a long weird week in which I felt all angsty and weird (Yes, Chris, I know I should "lighten up"... I wish it were so easy!), Roni, penguin_goddess and I went to see "Narnia". Yes, I'm feeling too damn lazy to spell the whole title out... thank goodness it's the longest title in the series. Ok, so "The Voyage of the 'Dawn Treader'" is close, but we won't have to deal with that one for several years.

The movie was so good, I was tempted to let the chatty idiot who was sitting right behind me live through the night. I want to talk about that first, just to get it out of the way already.

We had planned to be at the 7 PM show at Bay Street, only when Roni and Kim got there the show was sold out. Which was a bummer, as there was no one yet on line. That's right, the movie was so hot that a show sold out ONLINE. Not too shabby, Clive.

So Roni got tickets for 8 PM, and we were first in line. And then 30 pagans we actually knew showed up, which was just weird -- not that we were all pagan and going to see a movie that people are trying to force the jesus out of it (heh), but that I knew a lot of them.

The point is, I got us perfect seats, dead center, just the right distance up. The pagans took over the two row in front of us, and the whole place filled up quickly. ANOTHER sold out show.

I knew this guy would be trouble before the movie even started. He was chatty and loud (INSIDE voice, dumbfuck), and had an opinion about EVERYTHING. At one point we got to see the Pirates of the Carribean trailer (the sequel! YAY!), and there was much rejoicing.

His take? "It's only a Disney movie, I don't see why you all have to go and appluad the trailer..."

Of course, Narnia was ALSO a Disney flick, so it was clear this fool was denser than lead. (I was going to make a metalurigcal pun with the word "irony", but decided that it was too dangerous when I'm this tired).

I gave him a chance, really I did. I didn't shush him until I gave him plenty of time to settle down. Then, I wasn't the FIRST to shush him (I think that one came from five seats to his left... and two rows back). He even had a whole ROW shush him at one point.

Even THEN he could have just walked away. The movie was that good. More in a bit, really.

Except he had to say something. Ok, I said something first... it was during one of the most emotionally stirring parts of the movie. No spoilers... I'll just say "stone table at dawn" and the people who've READ the book or seen the movie will nod sagely, and perhaps forgive me my anger. I snapped through clenched teeth "this is NOT your fucking living room, PLEASE shut UP!".

Never mind that well over a dozen OTHER people had shushed him... I had the nerve to look him in the eye and say something.

So the idiot started trash talking me. Roni told me it wasn't worth it, and she was right -- until the fucker threatened me.

Folks, I've been holding back a blow-up for about three weeks now. I'm fully medicated, but this pushed a button. I didn't threaten his ass, I just said it was rude to talk during a movie, and I don't CARE if it was during the battle scene, because when it stopped he was STILL talking, blah blah blah... discussing the movie with someone who WASN'T talking. Hell, for all I know it was his date... though only Victor Borge could have made his right hand talk back.

Yeah, I was that pissed.

If he had taken a swing, if he had even TOUCHED me...

What saved him was the surprise scene during the credits. Remember that, and wait for it. He didn't, he assumed I was walking out, and waited for me.

Except as soon as he was gone, I actually had someone shake my hand. The poor woman who was sitting to his left APOLOGIZED. I complimented her on her strength -- if I had been sitting next to him I probably would have "accidentally" dropped my open bucket o' soda in his lap.

Seriously, about half a dozen people made a POINT of walking over to thank me. It felt weirdly... familiar.

We were sitting, waiting for the credits to finish rolling (I just KNEW he was out there), when I look over... and there he is with security, pointing me out.

Security took one look at me, and hustled him out... he got all indignant in that way only people with no grip on reality can get when they're busted.

Apparently one of the other people saw him laying in wait, and called security over. He never stood a chance -- not with plenty of people willing to say that I was sorely provoked.

He tried to instigate a fight in the parking garage -- I ignored his sorry ass. Roni and Kim were walking over to the Bug, so I yelled over from the Saturn "Hey, look at the future Darwin award winners!". I hope he looks it up later.

I even got in one last shot -- apparently he and his buds were WALKING out of the parking garage. Since I had to loop around, I passed them from behind. As I did, I rolled down the window and yelled "Try getting yourself some Viagra... maybe that will help."

High fives all around.

Now, to the movie.
Mr. Lewis did have some christian allegory in the story, but he also had at least 5 other mythos crammed in as well. I suspect it's like a cultural Rorshach test: People will see what they're inclined to.

I found it interesting that the spontaneous applause at Aslan's first appearance was started by... the pagans.

Much has been made of the extended focus on the battle scene (it IS only a page and a half in the book). Bluntly, the focus was well deserved.

I had always imagined the Witch to have raven hair. The change to a lighter color was disconcerting at first, but in the end I was won over -- she seemed all the more evil for avoiding the stereotype.

The talking animals were wild. I mean, they REALLY looked like they were talking animals. I remember being amazed when I saw wolf in charge of the witches secret police utter "Take them..." That was a poor preparation for extended sequences where you were hard pressed to remember it was a special effect... indeed.

They were faithful to the book, only making minor changes to develop the characters better. Pay attention to the opening sequence -- the "prologue" where we see the WWII blitz that sent the Pvensies to their uncle's estate is actually a brilliant bit of foreshadowing.

Someone deserves an award for the segue from the battle map to the actual battlefield. You'll know THAT one when you see it.

The violence, while not as graphic as the Lord of the Rings movies, is still intact. There is a meeting between the oddly neutered Mr. Tumnus (who wasn't wearing pants! They make the Kool Aid pitcher wear pants, but not a FAUN?) and Edmund in the witch's dungeon was an effective means of driving home to Edmund the depth of his betrayal. It's actually an IMPROVEMENT to the original story in that respect.

Lucy gets the best lines.

And until this movie, I never realized that the coronation was a calling of the four quarters/directions. Duh...

Anyway, I'm tired and puzzled by the fact that I felt so ashamed of snapping like that, and yet people were actually being nice to me about it. We even over-heard the staff outside the theater (waiting for the rest of us to clear out so they could clean it) talking about it.

The shame?

I was disappointed he didn't hit me.

Ah well, Roni was right -- he WASNT worth it. But yeah, there was this part of me that wanted the excuse. Yet I'm the better for not succumbing, for not getting up in his face...

...and biting his lips off.

*sighs* I guess we all have that dark spot somewhere.

That, and the goddess DOES have a sick sense of humor.
Tags: rant
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