Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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You know, it seems like I get into the most trouble when I try to respect the wishes of others.

Here's a vastly reduced, obviously over-simplified example of why that happens. I talk openly about topic A, and someone peripherally involved with topic A attacks me, either publicly or in e-mail, that I came dangerously close to "outting" someone, or in fact DID reveal enough to do so, even if I hadn't named names.

I take it to heart. Along comes topic B, which is a fairly serious topic. My first inclination is to post about it -- except that I run the risk of having a repeat of topic A and the fallout thereof. So I try to withhold info until I get all of the facts, and can be certain that my openness doesn't hurt the people involved with topic B, either directly or indirectly.

And then I discover that the people involved with topic B accuse me of trying to hide something, or to outright deceive. Ironically, some of the people involvd with B post about it to THEIR journals, making sure that I'm locked from reading it.

While the troubles with the San Diego group and the recent Herpes Debacle seem to be perfect fits for topics A and B respectively, this is actually a pattern I've detected over and over again.

Time to break it. If honesty is what people demand, then they better be prepared to accept that honesty. ESPECIALLY in this journal. If I catch flack about it, I will note that this is MY LJ, and what I say here is true for me, at least at the time I write it, but it is not a graven commitment in granite. For instance...

After the Debacle, Audra made it clear she didn't want to have any interaction with me other than Pen Pal status. My last interaction with them was when Eileen's boss and friend died abruptly, and I reached out. While not completely accepted, it didn't seem entirely unwelcome.

Audra has since blocked me from posting to her Lavendersage LJ. Apparently it was okay for her to discuss her anger and distress about my behavior, whether real or perceived, but it wasn't ok for me to defend myself. In her mind this is a boundary not to be violated. Lindygale seems to be fine with me commenting in HER LJ, and in fact seems to be inclined to communicate. The fact that, from most perspective Lavendersage and Lindygale are the same person in terms of physical space makes the situation confusing even for one who ISN'T ADHD doesn't seem to register with her.

Do I still love her? Well, hell, yes. Can't help that. But now I wonder who I'm in love with. The Audra who posts as Lavendersage is angry and distant, determined to make that distance somehow a function entirely of my choices. The Audra who is Lindygale seems to miss me, and wants to help mend fences in some way. There are so many others, but I have no clear indication as to how they all feel of late, so I won't conjecture what I can't know.

It was Lindygale who recently admitted she still felt me, even as I realized I couldn't stop wondering about her. But reaching out to her means Lavendersage has fresh ammunition, non-contestable and absolute, a means to wound me with her anger. She's convinced of my treasons against her, and arguing otherwise is a failing on my part, a flaw to be fixed -- but she doubts I can.

Even Lindygale has essentially placed upon me a burden of proving myself worthy. Yet I look about, and see that there are so many who know I am flawed, but also know that I am always striving to be better. Slowly I'm learning that mistakes aren't death sentences, but something to note, take in, and learn from. I need not fear exile from those who would TRULY love me merely because I made an honest mistake.

Strange, she seems to indicate her own limitations the same way. She hit a wall, and had to take steps to protect herself. In her mind my crime was in believing Kim over her, even for a moment. Even as I labored to completely separate the two relationships (the one with Kim was originally developed at her and Eileen's insistence, I should remind!), she developed the viewpoint that ANY continued relationship with Kim effectively negated any chance at a relationship with her.

In her mind it's a choice.

In mine it's a false ultimatum, one that I can't possibly choose correctly. I don't even SEE a choice. I never had the same depth of feeling for Kim as I have with Audra or Eileen. I care for Kim as a dear friend, but there isn't that thunder, that weird spark that has no reason. The logic is akin to banning anyone who would dare have a hamburger from ever imbibing of filet mignon ever after.

I'm certain that last paragraph will cause me grief. As if I somehow VALUE hamburger less than filet. Actually, I don't -- friendship is important at any level. What kind of man would I BE if I could turn my back on a friend? Why would she want such a one?

I'm not apologizing for who I am anymore. That should be a mantra, an oath to re-utter whenever I want to apologize for something I've already issued an apology for. Either accept the apology, and me, or move on. If you truly want to repair a rift, then it simply shouldn't be there -- start talking to me. Stop branding me as dangerous, a risk, a threat. If I'm any of those things, I suspect that the real risk in one of your own making, and not mine.

Much in the same way that, when I take a risk in contacting or conversing with Lindygale, it's a risk *I* take. If her reaction triggers something in me, it's my trigger, and my problem. If something in me pushes me to take that risk in the first place, it's my desire, not her beckoning, that does it.

In my mind, talking about this in this way -- completely and utterly in public -- forces me to accept that I need to acknowledge my desires, wants and needs as mine, and no one else's. My healing comes from me, as much as my injury does.

The end results can look the same as they've always been, but that understanding of self makes a big difference in terms of my inner peace.

I hope people don't read too much into my mistakes -- not all errors in judgement are the result of some inner desire to self-sabotage, or some lack of some innate self-understanding. Sometimes I just fuck up.

Tags: personal
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