Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Waving The White Flag of Parlay

You know, here's a fact: Regardless of what I was told regarding the chances of re-transmission, I've publicly stated in a very embarrassing way:

    I've been exposed to herpes!!!

How the hell do you argue with someone who makes the absurd claim, even after that level of public notice, that I have declared myself "safe"? Christ, all I can say is "as far as I know..." about ANYTHING.

"As far as I know", I'm free of STD's. However, there opinion is split as to whether I can pass on herpes or not -- that's where people have to make their own judgement calls. She'll decry the fact that I didn't notify her immediately, and it's true. I've already bemoaned my flawed reasoning behind that decision and paid a very high price -- the loss of people I really liked being around, and even loved deeply. In the case of Audra and Eileen, that love was something that I thought was unshakable, that could help us to work through whatever life threw at us.

I've had sex with Eileen many times, including a period several years ago when we weren't safe. Eileen doesn't have it. Now Audra's saying that she (Audra, that is) DOES, which is the first I've heard of it. She doesn't mention an outbreak, but says that she "contracted it" during the camping trip. So, I wonder what she considers the "responsible" thing to do here? Never have sex with Eileen again?

I owe Gwen a big apology if it turns out I contracted it, never had an outbreak, and unknowingly (as in I HAD NO INKLING I HAD IT!) to her. If I did indeed pass it to Audra, then I MUST HAVE been exposed recently -- otherwise she would have had this a lot earlier. Yet there's this complication: What if (and this is just speculation) Kim gave it to BOTH of us? Or all three, if you include Gwen...

No this doesn't change my current status, but the point is SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. No one does. It's also just as likely that Kim gave it to me, and I to Gwen and Audra. Or Audra Gave it to Me and Kim. Or...

The problem is, WE DON'T KNOW. Any vector we can conceive is literally impossible to prove one way or the other. Sex might never have been involved! For all we know *I* caught it from a toilet seat (and yes, you can). All I can do is state, over and over again, what I KNOW. And, ultimately, people need to stop equating infection with deliberate action, as if I somehow got something out of it in some sick twisted way. Stop "blaming the slut" and start working together to find a way to go on with our lives.

Now that I've wasted a portion of your life with the kvetching, you might wonder: Yo, what the fuck do YOU want?

Good question. I WANT to find some way we can talk about this without rancor and accusations. I want to sit down with her, in Circle, and work through our issues. I want to support her in any way I can regarding this, without finger pointing and blame. And yes, this applies to brigideire and gtpooh as well. Let's just chalk the last few months to the understandable fallout that happens when miscommunication, confusion, and a complete lack of direct experience collides with a hot button issue.

I'm tired of the fighting. I don't know what good it will do, but consider this an offer for everyone to come together and draw strength from this "debacle", or at least find some peace.

Tags: personal
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