So I was going to do an entry last night before sleeping (after an AMAZING round of sex with Roni), when I realized that all of the IM's on my desktop machine had disconnected, and there was an ominous flashing light on the cable modem that SHOULDN'T flash. It's the one labeled "on-line". A quick reset of the wireless and cable modem resulted in... no change.
For some reason I got totally paranoid. About a year ago I got this weird phone call from AlamedNet support about high throughput on that connection. Mind you, I pay for the top tier business level service to avoid a lot of hassle about how much data I push or pull through the pipe, so it was a bit irritating -- they said they thought it might be a virus issue. Since I use Macs I could say, without any doubt, that every bit floating through the ether was legitimately mine. I also pushed him to let me know what the caps on monthly throughput were, which he wouldn't commit to -- a little un-nerving, as it felt unresolved. Since they backed down (about THAT issue at least) I decided not to press them on it.
Since, if anything, my 'Net throughput has actually INCREASED this year, the first thing I thought of when the connection dropped was that they had decided to cut me off without warning -- the bullshit surrounding the AOHell incident in April was ample precedent for that possibility.
As it turns out, the entire island of Alameda is now "dark", at least in terms of AlamedaNet (the fact that I'm able to post this means that other services are still fine).
It's just that it's One More Thing -- my plate is way too full at the moment. On top of that, my Mom called this morning to tell me that my stepfather Skip's mother had passed last night. In all honesty, until she had mentioned her medical issues earlier this month, I had no idea Skip's mother was still alive. Of course, once again it falls to mom to make all of the arrangements, on top of dealing with Skip's blow-ups at the inconsequential -- a classic ADD mental misdirection.
And yes, I include myself in that.
lately I've begun to question my state of mind on some fundamental levels. A perfect example -- I recently got semi-snarky at Roni about buying a pound and a half of Boar's Head bologna. I actually uttered the phrase "What made you think I could eat that much? Why didn't you get 1/2 a pound?" To which she replied "Um... the last time I got some, I only got half a pound... and you asked me to order a pound and a half next time".
The scariest part of that exchange is, until she mentioned it, I had completely forgotten that conversation (only about a month or so ago, I think). But once remembered it presented me with an impossible to reconcile conflict.
Is this a case where, despite the meds, I still seem to walk to completely opposing realities, both EQUALLY true to me? Jeeze, in a way this is worse than being multiple dissociative -- I'm one person, one personality, but apparently working against myself.
I'm wondering if this is an expression of something larger, much in the way Skip is reacting to his mother's death? I can't deal with The Thing, so I attack the little things as if they were The Thing. A classic bullying tactic, actually -- how many bullies were abused?
I have an appointment with Dr. Gross next week. If this a medication thing, maybe there's something we can do. Of course, the thought of changing meds may be scarier than trying to deal with whatever is happening. The only positive about this little conundrum is that I didn't go into a meltdown over it, I apologized to Roni and moved on... at least from that interaction. The bigger question still needs to be tackled.
Or does it? Maybe I'm over-thinking things. Like I've never done THAT before.
Making things even stickier is that I don't even have the chat outlet -- meebo.com doesn't seem to want to work at Perforce anymore, and with AlamedaNet still down I can't even VNC to the home desktop to chat.