It was also an EXCELLENT way to procrastinate a bit on this particular entry. It's hard in a weird sort of way.
When we formulate an idea about someone we care about, sometimes we go further than the evidence supports. This can bite us on the ass when they seem to defy our expectations, that script we subconsciously (or not) write for them. Yet there's something worse: When it turns out you were %100 dead on, and (in fact) were unwilling to trust them to be even better than the script.
Last Sunday I had this sudden urge to call my Mom. You know, I suspect it was the almost pork-like frenzy of the SPAM I've been receiving of late, about half of which contained SOME reference to mother's day.
So I called her, exchanged pleasantries with Skip (which isn't as hard as it used to be), and got Mom on the phone. She sounded a bit somber until she realized it was me, and then let loose with a happy "Hey!", like she usually does.
She wanted to know how things were, so I filled her in on the edited version...I mentioned I was starting a business (but didn't mention exactly what) and that I was still working the Ponte gig (which reminds me, I have to call them again tomorrow), and that we were still scratching by somehow.
At a lull in the conversation, she asks "So, this new business...is it tastefully done?"
I'm certain that a photo of me at that moment would look the same in color or black in white: I was THAT pale. The implications of the question had my stomach in a knot. You see, that's almost a verbatim quote from one of the FAQ pages of the new store.
I had no idea how to respond at first...I babbled a bit, hoping my confusion would mask my almost complete and utter terror. However, to make a long, uncomfortable sequence as succinct as possible, it turned out my mom had found my web-site over 2 years ago, and had been...no, not keeping it a secret, really. More like, as she put it, in the realm of not quite knowing how to broach the subject.
So, when I accidentally "outted" myself last month, apparently it really WAS a moot point.
As the conversation progressed, I was struck by several things: That all these years when I told people who asked me what my mom thought of my life, I would honestly say that I was pretty sure she wouldn't care. It turns out that it's not that she didn't CARE...but it didn't rock her world like it would some people.
In short, my mom is far cooler a person then even I gave her credit for.
Also, that if she had access to the web site...and was visiting there regularly...and had been there since thee update...
It was that realization, that she must also been reading my journal, that simply sent me into complete blush mode. My mom, goddess bless her, was amused beyond belief...she was sorry that she couldn't see it, and that no one was there to enjoy my discomfiture.
In a span of about five minutes, the entire dynamic of the relationship between us shifted. For years I would have to catch myself before making some comment that would have led to some pretty embarrassing questions. Now, I had to remember to actually let the thought fly free, unhindered.
Some of the highlights of a conversation now fuzzed with a combination of shock and a few days reflection:
"One question...is Michele bi?" When I answered in the affirmative, she said "That makes sense...you were always into twosomes.".
Ok, so it looks like my poly nature was out to my mother as far back as COLLEGE. 20 years...sheesh. My mom was actually CONFUSED by my marriage...she had not considered that someone who was poly would still want to get married.
So that's it...I'm completely and UTTERLY out to my mom. Have been. Added to the fact that, when I panicked, my mom said "I have always taught you to be proud of who you are, to be yourselves. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, I'm proudest of you then".
Needless to say I was somewhat emotional at that point. In that happy, laughter through tears kind of way.
I can honestly say that I'm almost 100% a product of my mom's genetics. As she put it, "You didn't think you inherited all of this from cold ol' John L?" (a reference to my father).
So, I should wrap this up. Michele and me are going to petroglyph to make some Mom's day presents, and (for some, odd reason) I'm feeling particularly desirous of finding some special way of commemorating this one.
Oh, almost forgot: My mom found the site because I slipped up once about 2 and a half years ago and sent her ONE email with my "real" email addy (yohannon). She popped it into a search engine, spotted a phrase that made her think "Yup, that's gotta be him", and that was that. To think I could have slipped ANYTHING by the person who gave me that ability was delusional at best.
Also, she made a comment about the lighting in the pics I had posted of the model samples. My mom, the critic. Sheesh.