Seriously, I woke up this morning to the sound of chain saws. Oh great, methinks, it is merely that my neighbor yonder has decided to trim his trees.
Watching them from the TV room the truth dawned slowly. Please realize that I had just awoken, and thus my meds were only recently imbibed.
They were REMOVING the trees. All of them.
Mind you, these weren't small trees -- these were well established, but not unreasonably large for the neighborhood.
Squirrels, hummingbirds, and others nested in these trees. I actually know them all, simply because I sat outside in my backyard and paid attention.
I felt this conflict. As someone primarily identified as libertarian the struggle with that part of me, the one that says "it's their back yard, I can't tell them..."
And then that moment of clarity that shoots through you. When you feel that connection with... everything.
It was like... benediction.
And it feels really weird to utter that word. But I looked at Kim, who likely thought I was having a stroke... but I was merely struck dumb. So THAT'S what that means! It was after I said it was like losing a limb... somehow even if it were painless, it would still leave this mental hole. One I couldn't dismiss with a casual "Oh well, that was good while it lasted..." Fuck that. But acknowledging the hole gave me this new... feel, for lack of a better word, of...
It's going to be okay.
And there's no way I can convey how I know that. I felt this way before, in 2005, and suddenly it was like everything I said would happen... did. However, just because I made some good guesses, some things still shocked me senseless, both in the world and in our own lives. But I have to finally give myself some credit -- I am.
There's a point when you have to realize that things make sense only from the right perspective. That I no longer need to explain myself to anyone, that I'm going to be great, and it's ...okay.
Ugh, I HATE this cliché -- the one where someone gets all mysterious and wishy washy about what he's trying to describe -- but for some reason I just understand life better after tackling this overwhelming sense of grief over the hummingbird nests and squirrels, and birds of all types... hell, I've seen falcons hanging out from time to time. All taken out for... well, who knows. If it's an in ground swimming pool, I think I'll cry in frustration.
Or maybe not. After the carnage was over and the constant grinding of the wood chipper was finally over, two of the squirrels and one of the jays came by again. Now I just have to figure out how to plant trees with a concrete patio.
And yes, I get the irony. Shut up, Hans.