Then, of course, September 11, 2001 came... a mere few days later. I would have to go back to check, but I think it was only my third or fourth post.
Blogging has been a double edged sword. It made possible a lot, and complicated even more. The falling out with the Walking Kinkfest, the arguments with people who read too much (or not enough) into my words, even public accusations of my giving someone an STD (again!!) that proved to be false (also again!!). It gave me a place to process when I lost Linda, my marriage ended, and (of course) that near miss on 880 when I faced death in the form of a massive multi-car wreck that I literally drove straight through.
In many ways that near-miss had a greater impact on my life than if that tire actually came through my windshield. In the last 5 years I've watched my life contract rapidly as I started to focus on the important things in my life. Lilly was born only a few weeks later, about the same time I was hired by an incredible local company. I went from 50 mile plus freeway commutes to 3, speed limits never rising about 25. I went from over a dozen girlfriends and lovers to being married again with one serious triad member and 3 lovers... one of whom is my former wife, and none that I've known for less than 5 years.
A big part of that is the realization that I was being used by a lot of people for a long time. While dire descriptions of me would paint me as a selfish, self centered little fuck, in truth I worry about how people I care about think and feel constantly. However, as my life shakes out of late, I find that I've reached an island of stability where my core group understands me, sometimes better than myself. While still as sexual as I was at 17 (*coughs* was that really 30 years ago??), perhaps more so in many ways, I've discovered a patience that allows me to focus on the core of my life, and not throw it hither and yon looking for some vague, undefined SOMETHING.
I recall reading in some Pagan 'Zine (which would put it a good 20 years ago) that there were some marked similarities between the Wizard of Oz (the Judy Garland, not any of the re-makes) and pagan values. In particular the idea that if you can't find your heart's desire in your own back yard, you're not likely to find it anywhere. It took me a decade or so to find my "back yard", but I think I've finally discovered that grounding and centering that allows me to show my life the appreciation it deserves.
I had a thought while talking with Roni this week past, the idea of being "stuck in a moment". The U2 song music video depicts a classic version of being stuck, with a (US) football kicker missing a winning point with seconds to go. People get stuck in good moments as well... those peak experiences that seem unobtainable after the fact, so many people spend their lives trying to re-create them. Looking at my own life, highs and lows, I see so many amazing peaks, each as high and illuminating as the next, so it's almost impossible for me to settle on a true "peak". How could I judge that in any event? How could I compare meeting Roni, Michele, Erika, or anyone else who is very, VERY dear to me, with, say, the birth of Lilly (chronicled in detail here, drama and all), watching Stanley Jordan in a private concert with 12 other people, or being quoted in the New York Times? My first paid writing gig? Laying in a boat in San Bernedino at Southern Ren Faire, listening to the group "Siren Song" (with Linda Underhill) harmonize tightly on "How Can I Keep From Singing?"
And every time I fell in love. That was the most amazing thing about my life. Films, books, plays... they all insist that it might happen only once, maybe twice in a lifetime. I could it keep happening to me?
So I asked the question of myself and others -- does that mean that I just have a special point of view that elevates moments as they deserve, as unique points each deserving the same consideration? Or does it mean I've never had a peak moment on the level that it would take over my life?
My personal conclusion is the former. And as my life moves forward, whether I keep posting or not, I think that will continue to be the case. Despite the contraction, at least two of the few people that I would continue having a long distance relationship have, out of the blue, fallen back into my life. A reminder from the universe that, even with some things being less than perfect now, that the patience I've found in myself, despite the trials past and present, will serve me best.
So, I'm still here. And, even if you think I hate you, I don't. In many cases I believe that misunderstandings can be forgiven, and life is too full to go all captain ahab and carry a grudge that keeps me from seeing the life in front of me. I'm hoping some will take that for the opportunity it is, and communicate with me. It's open ended, so if you think you've missed the expiration date for this coupon, you haven't.
In any case, fare thee well... I'll be here if you need to talk.