Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Why Yes, I *AM* Angry...

I'm pissed off by a lot of things out of my control. That people I care about have unilaterally decided that I'm not worthy of a straight up conversation, Apparently a face to face is just too hard. Okay, so how about a phone call? Not happening. E-mail is intermittent, and IM's are ignored.

No, it isn't you. Yes, you... you do make me crazy, but I have long since let go of any illusion that you're doing this on purpose. Which scares me all the more, for the fact that it means that something is wrong beyond either of our control. 

No, it would be you, who doth speak in code and expect a man who spend the better part of 15 years understanding his limitations, learning to express those limits, only to find himself held to a standard even "normal" men of considerably  more intelligence than mine would fail to meet.

I wonder if I failed some final test -- that somehow I was supposed to go all love sick and stalkish. Apparently, having the respect to keep my distance, even if it felt like punishment for a miscommunication that still doesn't make sense to me, one that you let fester for a few months before telling me about it... that was a sign that I wasn't "worthy". Of course that is, no doubt, the paranoia that is borne of not really knowing what I did wrong. That is not a sign of not caring, by the way... sometimes ignorance is an affliction that requires many treatments before you can see it.

I really missed you over the last few weeks. You always seemed so good to have around when things were rough. I could trust you.

And YOU. Sheesh, is the only way I can get any reaction out of you is to piss you off by disagreeing with you on what is essentially a philosophical debate? Look, I know you decided I was psycho, and that I apparently was too freaking dense to take a hint. I figured that by not getting super weird last year (although yes, much to my eternal embarrassment, I still felt that weird feeling again... like somehow I was missing something obvious, something good...) would help break the ice... but then I realized it was all likely way too freaking late. There's a point where saying it doesn't mean anything... so there's nothing to say.

Lately I've been afraid to talk. Afraid to say how I feel about certain things. While I can't discuss the details, suffice it to say that I can't be this endless repository any more, a one way conduit for people to dump on and ignore with little risk I'll express how it makes me feel.

Completely crappy, of course. At my core I want to make people happy, to please them. I want to fix things, make things easier. I want to understand the things I do wrong (even as some people would take that desire as some sort of means starting a fight... the old "you must be fucking with me, EVERYONE knows that!" effect) with the express purpose of making it easier to avoid making that mistake again... or at least making a different one. I want to LEARN.

I wish y'all would talk to me, even if it was to yell at me. That at least would make sense to me. Failing that I would hope you could stop thinking of me as an enemy. 
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