Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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Once Again Yo Is Confoozled

One of the hardest things about discussing/revealing the last few days/months is the reactions of people in my life. You see, regardless of the complexities of the situation on top of volatile emotional states on everyone's part, I generally blame myself first and foremost, and view such discussions as an admission of failure. Thus, the first reactions I expect are ones of disappointment, disapproval, and so forth.

What I don't expect is support, approval, and even pride. From their perspective I'm removing blinders -- those self imposed blind spots that cover up any ability to see my own or other's failings and foibles -- and thus am able to forge a path forward, regardless of how painfully hard it all is.

I've had three people now tell me that SJ was coming from such a deep, dark place that there was little room for error in the best of circumstances, and, by definition, it was the worst. I was depressed, she was depressed AND suffering from several layers of PTSD. The downward spiral that then ensued was obvious to all... except myself, willing to throw everything overboard in an attempt to pull that hot air balloon out of the valley of death.

Including my pride and my sense of self.

Apparently, I'm finding some of that again. It's not entirely unlike riding a bike... while on massive amounts of LSD.
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