One thing I had a hard time grokking was how, after the last time, it happened. How the admonition to not put anything on the cards, to talk to me first, could be unclear.
And damn if it didn't read like one of those scripts I alluded to; It was a small thing she needed to cover and was going to tell me later, but... She wanted to tell me when the amount got larger, but it never seemed like the best time... I'm always so cranky when she wants to talk about money (a fair cop, but really... crankier than she KNEW I would get once I found out?)... and pretty much it spiralled from there, until she had no idea how to tell me at all...
I kept emphasizing that it wasn't about the money. While I KEEP thinking of ways that I COULD have covered it at the time, that money's gone, but damn, it exists in my head as a clear example of where I could have re-assessed priorities based on my REAL financial situation, not the fantasy as it evolved from her lack of financial feedback.
Another part of this is she's in regular... as in years... of weekly therapy. It is not that expensive, and I thought it was helping her with a lot of things. I hate to bring it up, because she usually thinks it's an attack, but my honest question was; Didn't she work on any of this with her therapist at all?
To my surprise, the answer was... not until last week.I thought for sure this would have been a big topic after the last blowup.
But all that said, she's willing to work with me to fix this. She knows that if I pull the trigger and pay it all off by cashing in an ancient (and somewhat diminutive) 401K that dates back to my APPLE days, that it really CAN'T happen again. I think she's finally taking combining our finances seriously (as in combining back accounts and having weekly conversations about ALL of our money and expenses). I am going to chuff myself up that hill with as positive an attitude as I can muster, and take it a day at a freaking time.
A side note: WTF LiveJournal, there's actually a community that still exists here? And thus far it consists of people I care to know (or wish I knew better, or I could see more often then once every few years... hint to the purple one!...). I really posted here because I thought it would be a good little bit of self-catharsis, a sort of primal scream blog entry to sort my head out. I really didn't expect to get more comments and support than I believe I would have gotten anywhere else.