Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,
Yohannon
yohannon

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Pre-Traveling Musing

So, starting Thursday I'm a living example of a B-52's song I adore ("Roam", of course!) and so have all this stuff that's been happening lately rumbling through my head. Of course, blogging lately has been an exercise in distraction, as I read my friends entries. I realized where my mistake was: I should wait until AFTER posting my stuff before reading theirs. Makes sense on a whole lot of levels.

Today was one of those days where my efficiency levels were working in spite of my tendency to allow inertia to rule my life (think of the rules, folks. The rest, just take it as a not-so-good thing and move on).

First, what turned out to be my first chiropractic appointment since March 27, 2001 (five days before the fateful "April Fools" layoffs at garage.com). I hadn't realized it had been that long, and was thus not surprised when being adjusted resulted in SUCH a positive difference. Chiropractic doesn't solve EVERYTHING...but those odd jams and sticks in one's spinal column can really screw you up. For example, one pinced nerve was apparently the root cause of some pretty damn intense headache action over the last few weeks, with Sunday night being the worst of it. With the Drive only a few days off, I decided to try and get an appointment the next time Dr. Jeff was in Boulder Creek. (Kaplan...offices here and in San Jose...fat and poly friendly, though he's not in either category himself.)

He thanked me for referring so many people to him, and I thanked HIM for being so damn good that I could feel comfortable referring people I cared about to him.5 minutes of oddly satisfying crunching noises and I was MUCH better.

Next, I mailed off a Rotunda Artworks order to Denmark, of all places. While I was there, I made another of those oddly satisfying steps that makes you realize that you have a REAL business, i.e. I got the PO box. Rotunda Artworks has it's own mailing address now...PO Box 739, Boulder Creek, CA, 95006. I'm sure there's an extended code for it, but it doesn't come to mind at the moment.

Next an oil change (and, as it turns out, a new set of wiper blades...the ones on there are almost 4 years old, and I could see myself forgetting until that first rainstorm late at night, and me uttering "Oh FUCK!" when I discovered that using them made my visibility WORSE), and a quick trip to Pizza My Heart for lunch (the best damn pizza in the area...I'm still miffed they finally opened on University in Palo Alto, AFTER I was laid of), Bookshop Santa Cruz (Borders SUCKS) to FINALLY cash in a gift certificate my sis-in-law Debbie gave me for solstice 2000 (yes, the year before last).

A brief visit to Atlantis Comics (the original Atlantis was the location of the Comic Shop in "Lost Boys"...it was destroyed in the quake of '89) and I was back up to the house.

Michele is home sick today...not blood sugar or stress, just sick. Which is frustrating because she was asleep when I got home Sunday, tense from work Monday night, then too tired to talk to. I'm hoping we can get a chance to talk tomorrow, as it'll be the last chance I have until I get back north a week from next tuesday.

One of the thins I really need to tell her is my reconciliation with A, after a four year interlude. While I must be stingy with details, there is still a bit I can discuss.

For one thing, I had what I thought was a huge confession to make: I hadn't "stumbled onto" her name in that phone listing during an unrelated search. I had been thinking about her for the previous two weeks, and finally I just had to see how she and E were doing. Turns out the phone list that was returned when I googled her (woohoo! I just used "Google" as a verb!) wasn't even supposed to be public, and was even fairly out of date (BAD SysAdmin! You should be more careful with your robots.txt file!).

Anyway, I felt that, since things had gone so well when we spoke face to face on Thursday, that she deserved complete and utter honesty (and besides, I suck at lying...I'm sure it would have slipped out at some later date and that would've been MUCH worse!).

My plan was to do it early in the hot tub date we had made together at Piedmont Springs, BEFORE anything could happen that would make me feel like a shit head later. But before I could, A had a huge confession of her own.

This is a part I CAN'T discuss...but it turned out that I wasn't to blame for the break-up (though I had played a part to make it possible) and A was terrified I would be SO angry when I had learned "The Truth" that...oh, I don't know. Insert the obvious melodramatic reaction here.

Poor thing had made herself crazy over the previous two days worrying about my reaction, when I was more RELIEVED than pissed. I had heaped a lot of blame upon myself for the "failure" of that situation...learning it wasn't so made me incredibly happy, though that was tempered by A's self-torment.

I hugged her, told her we were okay, and that I wasn't mad at her or E about it.

Much Later, she asked about how I felt about us getting back together like this. I admitted that we might not see each other as often as either of us would like, but after a 4 year stint where we couldn't even SPEAK to one another we could probably handle it. She said it felt right. I said it was a feeling like the world righting itself to the correct axis, or words to that effect.

When we left the tubs, we ate in the car and talked. I admitted I didn't want to leave her yet, so we wound up in this wonderfully obscure park in the east bay, star-gazing from a portable camping cot she happened to have stashed in her car.

I think the only thing that kept me from walking on air all the way home was that damn headache (bad enough that I thought it might be a migraine). Once again, I'm examining my life through my relationships, as complex as they are, and finding that the answers I find there are not what I expected.

She raised a point I've heard from people before...the need to feel special, and not one of many. When I stop to think about it, REALLY think, even I become stunned at the number of people whom I love, and I'm loved by in return, and how remarkably few the number of those who truly couldn't cope with my "lifestyle".

The honest truth is: I have no idea how I do it. Hell, I met most of the people I love now while I was working 60+ hours a week (PLUS commute times!), which makes me wonder how I managed it THEN. At least now, with the kind of business I have, I can do a lot of work those times when no one else is awake but me.

I've noticed something interesting: There are two distinct categories of friend and lover in my life. One is the one I have the hardest time with, where apparently I'm a catalyst for change in people who are stuck relationship-wise. There are people who've met me, and then almost IMMEDIATELY find the love of their lives. No, I'm not kidding. It can be a bit difficult when you've fallen for someone, but I can't be too upset -- If I really like someone I WANT them to be happy.

The second category is the one where people are pretty intensely involved with me, whether we want to be or not. Not just love..."intensely in like" (sexually or not) to screaming passion, but we all seem to wander in and out of each others lives...but not forever, and not from our hearts.

Every day I find a bit more peace in that fact that everything DOES resolve, after all. With each rediscovery I find out new things about myself, even if it's just an admission of my own flaws, an acceptance of my own limitations.

As long as I'm never limited in the ways that count, I can live with that.
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