It's nice having an appetite. I miss it.
At 5:04 PM tonight I was in a hot tub in Berserkley, in Audra's arms, crying my eyes out. I had completely forgotten why until just now.
It's been 13 years since the quake. Since that stupid building fell on Jon, and he was uncerimoniously squashed.
Ironically, I drove back to SF via the new section of freeway that replaced the cyprus, across the bay bridge where a section suddenly gave way.
It seems a little wrong to be in such a good space on such a fucked up anniversary, but there you have it. I guess 13 really is one of my lucky numbers. Now I just have to survive the Giants in the World Series again without another disaster, and I could actually start to appreciate October's again.
Well, it's been awhile since I've done a detaileed entry, so here's a bit of catch up:
The documentary has bone from an afternoon ego biscuit to this surreal week long event. Claire (the production assistant ) has been on the phone to me almost daily with more details, questions, and requests for assistance. My flight to LA is booked, and Debby is not only glad to hear that I'm doing it, she's actually offered her home to me.
Which, of course, re-opens a LOT of old wounds, some of them self-inflicted. While talking about her to Rob and Aleister during the pre-production interview was surprisingly therapeutic: I never realized how much resdual guilt I still carried regarding her abuse at the hands of that feeder asshole Karl. That was a case where I let my head over-rule my heart in a lot of ways...though I was surprised that, while I had nforgiven myself for not knowing she was in trouble, I still blame myself for encouraging her to go.
I know, the worst thing I did there was tell her to follow her heart. At the time I felt so goddamn noble about it, because I loved her...still do, actually. But I didn't want to be selfish, the kind of person who would tell her stay, especially in a place like Los Angeles.
Damn it, what I want is a clear test, an indication that being selfish is the RIGHT thing to do. In this case it probably would have been.
But that's a trap. I know it is. You can't second guess the past...only use it as a way to lay yourself open anew, rubbing salt into the rawness, or as a way to be a better next time.
(insert long period of food induced happiness here)