I'm doing my best NOT to succumb to my seasonal black mood. I've been grappling with this for several years now, and their has been a great deal of improvement. However, I still managed to run into a bit of a wall after the high of doing the documentary and the following weekend (filled with way too much fun) wore off. I'm hoping that I've gotten the "holiday meltdown" over early, primarily through self induced forced logical thinking.
You see, it's easy to be depressed if everything is going wrong. However, for the most part life is going pretty well...it's like one of those rope ladders dangling from a helicopter in a wind storm: Hard to grab ahold of, but at least it provides a glimmer of hope in a seemingly "hopeless" situation.
So, after steelmagnoliaca was laid off, she decided to surprise Roni and I by driving up in the car she bought last week (I know...ouch). This was good, as I had been waffling on whether or not I would go see the new Good Vibrations produced BBW erotic epic, "Voluptuous Vixens" tonight at the Roxy in SF. Having two of my favorite babes to go with made the idea a lot more palatable. Besides, they were so kind as to feed me an ego biscuit by sending me a personal e-mail asking if I could attend as a "prominent member of the BBW community". I'll whip up a review of it for here and the mailing lists (down since last weeks storms swept through the bay area).
Despite being around several people who love me dearly, I managed to completely lose it Saturday night with almost no provocation. Roni and Val went to Oakland to meet/have lunch with Audra (thank goddess, everyone got along!), and we wound up spending several pleasant hours. However, I had managed to mis-speak myself at one point (which I am prone to do), and though I had caught my mistake immediately and corrected it, it still had bothered Roni enough to bring it up later that night (true, it was at our prompting... it's hard being around empathic types when you're trying to hide the fact that you're upset about ANYTHING). I handled things badly, took it WAY harder then I had any right to, and managed to upset everyone more by needing my space and leaving for a drive (to my credit I did that AFTER things had calmed down, and I tried to make it clear I wasn't running away or dumping anyone). When things finally settled down, it was after 4 am.
This made for a slow start Sunday, when Valerie and I were due in Sacramento (originally we were going to be there by Noon) for a photo shoot with wickedladybear and her girlfriend from Austrailia (!), Ardyn. Fortunately, they had an even SLOWER start, so we all wound up synching up, and the shoot (1500 shots!) went extremely well. The new lighting makes a MAJOR difference in the quality of the images.
Sunday night we got back to the city, had A Talk to deal with unresolved issues from my little hissy fit the night before, had a good cry (as opposed to a bad one), and I finally made it to Hayward only 3 and a half hours later than intended to see Audra (who had an LJ as lavendersage, but thus far I STILL have yet to read it... I know, I suck!) and Eileen.
Yesterday Roni Val and I were all going to Cache Creek (an indian casino due north an hour or two) to play bingo, but Val decided she wasn't up for going, but neglected to call the boy who's perpetually late but desperate to mend his tardy ways. This is why I made it to the City on time (2:00 PM) only to find the lovely ladies had gone out for Dim Sum, and had forgotten the time. I accept their apologies.
We wound up going to visit the Golden Gate Bridge (Val had never been), Ocean Beach (near the Cliff House), and then went to see "Spirited Away" (Bill the Witch Doctor had recommended it to me during Audra's initiation last week). Excellent movie: It may be a bit dense for people totally unfamiliar with Japanese culture. Of course, it was even denser thanks to the fact that the only theater in SF still showing it was the Kabuki in Japan Town. Instead of the dubbed version, we got sub-titles.
So, here's the fun part: After doing all of this work to get myself on an even keel, this morning I find a voicemail on my cell phone from Michele. It seems exodus is about to lay off 2000 employees, and odds are it'll be the entire west coast installation (at leas, according to rumor). This will be confirmed tomorrow, at the un-godly hour of 5 am.
The thing that's strangest about this is that I'm unnaturally calm about it. I think I've always suspected that, as much as I love it, the house in Boulder Creek would not turn out to be the last place I lived. I am disappointed that I'm pushing 40 and STILL have yet to break the record for staying in one place...7 years.
I'm also peeved at the fact that I think in another 6 months it would have made no difference -- I might have been able to take up the slack with Rotunda Artworks.
Ah well, I'll know for sure tomorrow. Right now, I want to get this posted before something crashes AGAIN (a program froze up during spell checking the first attempt, but I was able to transcribe most of the material I wrote into another program),