The bad news is it doesn't seem to want to pick ME up.
I had such a GREAT run... 20 years straight of working. Then WHAM! Suddenly I feel like I couldn't get arrested if I tried. I've been on three interviews in the past 1.5 years. I've had the occasional nibble. I've re-worked and re-formatted my resume about a dozen times, tried all manner of cover letters and follow-up techniques, networked and shamelessly have thrown myself at the mercy of friends of friends of acquaintances. All for nought.
I slacked off during the holidays a bit, as I know hiring sucks around then anyway. But now that we're well into the new year, I find myself back in that realm of resume black holes that never seem to give up their secrets: Like, how is it I can be so qualified for a position yet never hear a word back? Are any of these damn listings real, or are they cruel jokes perpetrated upon us by the Shrub and Co, designed to make us all THINK the economy is getting better... only it isn't, ot really?
Damn, this migraine is sneaking back. I can tell, because it makes me slightly paranoid: I worry that Michele and Rob think I'm spending my days jerking off in the basement. Like I'm not trying every possible angle to pull in some money. I've been able to help with the Rotunda Artworks thing, but it's a pittance compared to what I brought in before, and need to bring in now. It's slowly taking off, but I need more time before it can really click.
I'm terrified that the damn car will cough up and die before I can pull in enough cash to get another one. I'm afraid I won't be able to get the video thing off the ground (though that's a harder catastrophe to sustain in light of the fact I have access to what I need to scrounge something together if I had to). I'm feeling pressure to do SOMETHING, but nothing I'm doing is working, at least yet.
I'm especially in absolute knee quaking fear that everyone's about ready to give up on me. Like I can wear out my welcome because it's so damn hard to PAY for stuff. Like my anger, frustration, and all the rest is driving them away, and they won't want to be around me any more.
lavendersage has been trying to get me to focus my energy on letting good things happen in my life. I actually feel some resistance, as if admitting I want to make money, become rich, be prosperous and happy, et al, will somehow set me up for a huge fall. Worse, some monkey's paw-esque torture could be derived from taking what I say I want and giving it to me literally.
All this, and I still can't find my wallet. I'll have to tear apart my shit tomorrow and see if it's just a case of me putting it down somewhere to be "safe", or perhaps it's slipped under one of the seats in the car. I've managed not to lose a wallet in a very, VERY long time, so I'll be pissed if I suddenl have to replace everything in it now.
Maybe Audra is right, and it's a sign that I'm not paying attention to something. Hell, I *know* we're in a tough financial situation. I actually keep half an eye on the bank statements, and living from paycheck to paycheck plus the occasional augmentation of a writing gig here, a photo gig there... it makes me crazed to know that there's so damn little I can do. What the fuck else should I be paying attention to? What else do I need to do?
I'm tired of never hearing back from people. It's worse than rejection, it's as if I no longer exist. At first I thought it was my age, but people I know who are years older are getting gigs, even permanant jobs. Why won't anyone even give me a second look? Am I on some fucking black list somewhere?
(goes off to pump fluids and lie down until this feeling of hopelessness goes away. I'm not even going to bother spell checking this entry...screw it.)