Last night Karin and I sort of "made up" after the melt down late last year. I need to emphasize that the melt down was mostly of my doing, and one that could probably have been avoided, had I been a bit clearer about my OWN boundaries, and understood hers a bit better.
We wound up talking on the phone for about an hour. I walked downstairs to the living room to avoid disturbing Roni. A main part of what we spoke of was her concerns about what her needs are and will be into the future, including the big one: What if she needed to be someone's primary?
Of course, she didn't say it that way... she spoke of marrying and settling down, pretty much. I asked her why she thought she HAD to choose -- why not have a husband AND me?
That's always a tough one for people to wrap their minds around, that they COULD have everything they want. Her response was fairly typical, that she was afraid that would limit her choices... "narrow them" were her exact words.
Of course, my take on narrowing the field has become very optimistic these days. There are so many possibilities, reducing them to something manageable is a GOOD thing, something to bring relief from the over-worked mind. That's part of the sea change I think I'm undergoing these days -- simplification. Baby steps. And, above all, to stop over analyzing ever word that comes out of my mouth.
You know, I remembered a key formative phrase from my youth last night: "Why don't you ever THINK before opening your mouth?!" Sure, it was my mother a lot of the time, but she was hardly the only one to say it. And how could you blame them, in the context of the time? As far as they could tell, I was blurting out things that were (at the very least) unnerving or down-right scary. Or merely annoying.
Now, the trouble was, I WAS thinking before I spoke. The intrinsic problem was with HOW I was thinking. Coming to different conclusions than what was "expected" of me. That's what I figured out, eventually. My next problem was figuring out what WAS expected.
Thus began a pattern of constant internal analysis of almost anything I said (or did for that matter). After awhile I had a clear idea of how to at least temper responses and reactions to things.
Now it gets REALLY twisted.
As I grew older and more confident in who and what I was, I began to realize what it was I wanted to be. Instead of just being that, I wound up adding a layer to all of that self analysis. Some of you may already be seeing where this is going.
It broke down into "impulse - thought - analysis of what is expected - analysis of what it is I WANT - how do I present this in a way that doesn't piss people off..." all in a tight little mental circle. And resulting in essentially pretending to be myself, a sort of tense self-caricature.
Now, obviously I'm not like this ALL the time...and I must have been getting better for awhile. But recent events have essentially forced me to process a hell of lot, and what came up was realizing I didn't NEED to let myself get so wrapped up in watching everything I say with everyone I know.
I have to realize that the people who really care about me understand that sometimes I say the dumbest things. A perfect example happened last night while talking with Karin: "I suddenly realized that I had no reason to be insecure. I'm not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere, the relationship isn't going anywhere." Without missing a beat, I realized that could REALLY be taken the wrong way. As I sputtered, Karin laughed...and it struck me how anyone who cared about me knew that I don't INTENTIONALLY say some of the things I do.
Over the last few days I've been feeling this sense of something lifting from me. Maybe this is it.
Hey everyone... I fuck up. Try and forgive me. I'll try not to be nuts about it.