Time and again I found myself thinking of the same things, thoughts of my youth and the parts of my past that I recall when I felt... well, better at least. Certainly far more grounded and centered than I am now. What was so different then? How was I different?
I've been talking for months about how out of sorts I've been feeling, that feeling that maybe I'm missing something. Something vital to my happiness, my life. All the sex, all the drugs, and still I'm not complete.
Yet through the darkness I began to feel some hope. I returned to the books that I loved as a child, re-reading them one by one, in hopes that I would find my way out of the chasm I had found myself in. Over the last few weeks I have grappled with them, sometimes angrily, other times in tears. Now I find that the only way I can find some solidity in my life is to renounce the fear I feel and come out of the closet I've been hiding in, without realizing that I was hiding, all this time.
So I hereby declare that Jesus Christ is my personal Lord and Savior. I say this knowing that many will be offended, dissapointed, or even angry with me. I do not do so for that purpose, but because I know that I must stand up for what I believe to be the truth through my personal relationship with Christ. Doing such things always comes at a cost. Many things happen when people stand up for what they believe in. Many have lost their lives for those beliefs -- I may simply lose some friends, lovers, perhaps some money.
What does it all mean? Well, it means some serious changes are going to happen in my life, not the least of which is my cessation of Rotunda Artworks as a business and the immediate destruction of the endlessly degrading pornography produced as a result. It means that I must turn away from much of my life that has become sunk in sin, such as my decision to have sex with men, or sex with anyone other than my wife, Michele. It means I must do all that I can to convince her to join me on this path, perhaps saving her and our marriage for all eternity.
I have no doubt that this will be a hard road to travel, but since when have I done anything the EASY way? The joy I already feel fills my heart, even though I must not confront the chance that I might not be able to re-join my old church... it's been so long I have no clue as to how forgiving the catholics are when it comes to minor lapses, such as being a bisexual polyamorous witch for 20 odd years. But regardless of the obstacles I face, I know I will face them with the Lord's help.