I started a process to re-fi the house today. Wells-Fargo offered us a pre-approved deal at 5.25 for 30 years, fixed, with ALL closing costs paid for. I mean, all of them, save the notary fees... and since we're talking cutting our monthly by 300 bucks, spending 100 for notarizing all the appropriate signatures seems like a smart move. It looks like I won't even have to pay to fax the written consent: penguingoddess actually has a fax machine at her place, and I'm spending tonight there with her anyway.
I stopped by lavendersage's place yesterday, which was nice... right up to the point where she offered to give me a tarot reading. I read cards myself (at least, I used to), but there's often a bit of trouble trying to read for oneself. I've been having endless sets of "status quo" readings that essentially weren't asking the one driving question I've been stuck on: What next?
Now, before some of the "non-believers" get started, let me assure you that I view most "readings" as essentially variations on the Rorschach Tests that some of y'all have seen. You know, ink-blots. I don't believe that any of it, be it tarot, astrology, or tea-leaves can, in itself, predict anything. However, I do like to think that it helps to shed some light on one's inner workings, or conflicts when things aren't working.
I have to admit, I really liked Audra's deck. Unfortunately, it meant that I could see the reading even before she did, which is a really fucking aggravating thing to do to someone trying to read for you. In my defense it was mostly a case of being disgusted at getting yet ANOTHER reading along the lines of "stand pat, wait further orders". I already KNOW that I'm at a major turning point in my life. All I ask is a clear direction to head off in. Audra was all about the idea that it's a matter of just starting to walk AWAY from something before my destination becomes clear to me.
I'm not sure at what point I hit my limit, but I left there with one very clear realization: My religion is failing me. I'm starting to appreciate lenniersd's atheism from the point of view of sheer numbers: Of COURSE it's a matter of chance, it really is all a random mess. There is no destiny, no fate, no reason for any of it. We are all completely alone, and our only salvation lies in taking control of our lives and forging our existence from whole cloth. There are no ethics, morals, or rules other than the ones we make for ourselves. No action is more noble than another, no cause worth exhaulting.
I tore off the goddess emblem I worse about my neck for over ten years and threw it away. Audra says she's going to hold on to it in hopes I'll change my mind, but I can't see anything short of divine intervention doing that. What event can possibly be improbable enough to convince me that there is a purpose to what I'm going through right now? I want to work, damn it all. I *need* to work. Say all you want about the dangers of tying one's identity to what you do for a living, if there was any reason in my life it was reflected in my skill, desire, and sheer talent in helping people implement technology. That reason has been taken away from me, and it appears no one is interested in giving me a chance to do it again.
What possible fucking "lesson" is there in all of this? Absolutely none, because that would imply a teacher, some cosmic task-master guiding us. There isn't any. There is no god, jesus, allah, buddah, diana, hecate, demeter, pan, cerunnos, or whatever. If, as a flawed bag of biochemical reactions is wont to be, I'm wrong about this, I herby challenge them to prove that I am.
Yes, I've just pretty much challenged the gods to strike me down where I stand. I'd ask y'all to pray for me, if I thought for a second it would do me any good.