Yohannon (yohannon) wrote,

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Process of Elmination: The BIG Finale

So, we're down to the last two items in my original list of five statements. The first three were true, which leaves items 4 and 5. Item number 4:

"I once had sex in a industrial sized stainless steel sink that I regularly washed pots in while working a cafeteria in college"

Let's cut to the chase. This is the lie. However, it actually happened, and in the sink I washed pots in. I found out thanks to an informal survey The Load published wherein people were asked to send in the weirdest location they ever had sex (mine was a succinct, and in many ways still true "In a tree house. On Long Island. With two women at once". It is a sign that I would now make it clear they were both fat).

No, it never bothered me: Considering the things I've had to clean, sexual essence was an improvement.

Which leaves one last statement:

"I have starred in a full length porn movie, a large part of which was loosely based on my own life."

I think I left this for last because, in a lot of ways, the explanation was a LOT more complex than any of the others. I know, time to be scared.

I met this woman online way back in '89. She had been introduced to "The Big Board", a bbs that specialized in BBW/BHM's three years before the web and during a time when 1200 baud was a decent speed, but if you were cutting edge you got yourself a 2400. 9600's were still too pricey for a lot of us.

She had been turned on to the BBS by a fairly well known BBW porn star by the name of Layla LaShelle, who had also hooked her up with a photographer for her first layout in BUF, a BBW porn rag. She had decided on the nom de plume of Teighlor, and went on to become a hit in a very niche market.

Many years later, after surviving a feeder fuckwad and returning to Los Angeles, she was on SSI. This sharply curtailed her modeling career, since she was so damn recognizable. However, there was ample opportunity in terms of scriptwriting.

When she started to write the script she drew on some actual events, as all good scriptwriters do. So, she borrowed from an experience we shared from her days working a phone sex line, where she described herself as a blonde, "average" mainstream beauty, as I almost gave myself a stroke trying to keep from laughing out loud. Another was based on when I met Linda Underhill at the Ren Faire in Novato over 10 years ago, when I shyly went back stage to meet her.

Of course, both these events were seriously twisted for use in a porn movie. First, the back stage meeting was the inspiration for a title for the movie that would satisfy the marketing freaks: "When The Fat Lady Sings". Next, she needed to find a thinly plausible way to link all the scenes together -- she came up with the idea of a sex clinic interviewing people to find out why some people liked fat women.

When she finished the script (all 19 pages of it) she wanted to make sure at least ONE of the men cast really DID like fat girls. For some reason, she thought of me. It certainly wasn't a case of needing the money -- at the time (mid 1996) things were starting to really heat up in the tech world. However, I knew the person I would be with, a lovely girl known as Eartha Quake. And I admit it -- I thought it would be twisted fun to play a scene based on an actual event from my past, however loosely.

So they flew me down, and I got up at an ungodly hour and took a cab to this place outside of LA proper (at the time it was against the law to make porn movies in the LA city limits... probably still is) to this house they were using for the filming. It was in this really nice neighborhood, real "90210" if you can imagine it. I remember wondering if any of the neighbors had any clue what was going on at this place.

I was surprised to learn that I was one of the first scenes to be shot... since I had no idea how well I would respond to being filmed during sex, I was really nervous. However, the crew and director were great, and I had no trouble at all... at least, not until the dreaded "money shot" -- but I'll get to that in a bit.

I was startled at how easy it was. The fact that I genuinely liked Carla didn't hurt, especially when I had to stop so they could move around for another angle, and start going at it again without losing... well, tumescence.

Remember I said the script was only 19 pages long? Well, interspersed with what little scripted dialogue there was were these little bracketed items that said stuff like {they have sex}, which meant that we ad-libbed. A lot. I figured I would be told what to do, but fairly quickly the director was asking ME what I wanted to do next. I didn't think anything about it at the time, though they kept getting excited about the strangest things... like when I suggested that Eartha get on top, and they went NUTS when she straddled my face.

We also had to do two versions of some shots -- raw hard core showing lots of "pink" and penetration, and shots that were a bit tamer for some European (read: England) markets.

Finally, it came time for coming. After almost an hour of stimulation, I thought that I would burst. Yet my member denied me, apparently a victim of over-stimulation and control.

I tried every thing (as did Carla... that was her real name) to get myself to the edge, but failed. Fortunately, the crew knew what to do. Gather round as I reveal to you the story I later told Lynne Murray, who later managed to find a way to get it into one of her mystery stories (to my eternal delight!):

They took a rubber and poured in some Piña Colada Mix, tying it off to form a small water balloon like object. Taking a pin, they punch a small hole in the end. The idea was that this fits in the palm of the hand, the hole covered with the thumb until the appropriate moment, when some careful squeezing would produce a remarkable simulation of a money shot.

At least that was the plan.

The first time I tried this trick, the rubber slipped from my hand (too much lube... I know, no such thing usually. This time, though...) causing it to bounce along Carla's belly. Cut!

The second take I secured the tied off "tail" of the rubber between two fingers, holding it in place. Camera rolling, I built up to my "orgasm", squeezed, and...

This impossible gush of "come" shot up Carla's stomach, resulting in both crew and actors, including yours truly, to completely crack up. Somewhere there is a blooper reel with that shot on it, I'm sure.

Third try was the charm. In fact, we didn't even need a refill... there was enough left to produce a shot so realistic, I couldn't tell it wasn't real myself when I finally saw the finished product a couple of years later. To this day I can't see Piña Colada mix or hear that song without giggling uncontrollably.

Of course, that was just the beginning of the day's work. There were all the segues leading in and out of the scenes, a fun "pool" sequence that eventually led to the obligatory orgy that ended the script. While this all sounds like good fun, there was a lot of time I spent being bored to tears waiting for my bits to be filmed. That isn't to say there weren't highlights that stick in my memory.

One was walking into a room to find Sindee Williams being double penetrated, bare back... and off camera. At that point I resolved not to EVER stick myself anywhere near her, much less inside of her. Ick...

The other ladies tended to hang out together, and I hung out with them when they weren't doing their scenes. They mostly gossiped and bitched about the male talent (most common phrase: "...Oh, but not YOU Yohannon."), who basically did the work for drug money and didn't care about what hole they stuck themselves into. I was glad to see that Sindee was the exception, rather than the rule when it came to bare back -- all the other ladies insisted on rubbers.

If you think that comment about drugs was wild speculation, I did spot the boys passing a bowl by the pool later.

By the end of the Orgy sequence, it was almost midnight. I had been working since 6 AM, which meant that I made about 18 bucks an hour. Of course, at that point I was making 25 an hour doing QA work, so in a way I actually made LESS money than I would have back in the valley.

My last experience with the movie was a scene they added at the last minute, and over my objections: They decided to end with the girls having a food fight, complete with smeared frosting and such. When you see me leaving the aftermath of the orgy, I was supposed to be disgusted that the girls weren't satisfied with being soundly fucked. I didn't have to act in that scene, though my motivation was more disgust that Teighlor's script was being fucked with so badly. I was literally getting dressed, getting my check, and was out the front door before they were a minute into that abhorrent display of pseudo sensuality.

I was supposed to have received a copy of that film, but it never arrived. It wasn't until a BBW bash in Tahoe over two years later that I finally got to see my "performance", Piña Colada and all.

They managed to misspell my name not once, but twice: Once on the cover, and once in the credits of the video itself. Ah well, such is fame. At least I got a lot of the sample shots on the cover... I think about five, actually.

The big surprise was how much screen time I got. Considering the attitude of the other male actors I shouldn't have been surprised -- the phone sex scene especially was a pale shadow of it's original inspiration (the "actor" who played the FA in that one seems to have one unique talent, the ability to ejaculate at will and repeatedly... kind of surreal). They did use some nice classical music for the soundtrack on my scene, which I liked a lot.

I really wished I had ponied up the cash and gotten the video when I had the chance... it's currently unavailable. Though I was treated to a surprise recently when a friend forwarded me a link to an online clip she had found that was obviously taken from the movie itself.

Ah well... I had no aspirations to be president anyway.

So, that's the whole sordid story. I did it mostly for the experience (which there was plenty) and for Teighlor. I don't think I would do it again unless it was starring all Fat Admirers and had a less mercenary approach (I suspect that was the LA effect).

BTW, if XJournal is to be believed, this is my 250th LJ post. Far out!
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